Tears and Rain

This pretty much sums up exactly how I feel at the moment!!!
Driving along through hormonal and grieving tears, hoping for good news, taking deep breaths in the hope I can keep it together for my appointment, hoping no-one will notice my fear, so not to scare another mum.
Wondering how to make the flow stop…..
Which brings me to my 21+3 scan again today. Upon waiting to be scanned I am once again questioned why I am there again, why I am being scanned again….every appointment I have I feel like I am being interrogated  like I shouldn’t be there, and every time I have to explain WHY.It really is draining.
I am soon to be greeted by the man who told me that my angel was a little girl. One of the nicer sonographers , it felt strange seeing him. No growth measurements, but as baby was such a naughty baby last week, they had to check the chambers of the heart. Which are as far as they could see….are perfect.
Walking out of the room I come across the chaplain who came and sat with us the day after Melody had died, to I think discuss our options, I of course remember the woman, but I know I won’t remember the conversation. She won’t have remembered me. Knowing this woman was probably there to piece together another family’s broken heart, brings it all back.
Somebody else’s  life changed forever.
I met with my consultant too, have a semi plan of action in place, he really is lovely, he’s taking so much time for us; taking each appointment as it comes. I have to rest, rest, rest…. With a view to stepping up my care in 2 weeks, I really didn’t think this would be possible, but it appears it is. He is very determined that our little rainbow will come home.
One small step at a time…
 Our very wiggly rainbow 21+3
To add to the bitter-sweetness  baby has decided it likes James Blunt the singer, moves to the front of my tummy when it comes on! The bitter-sweet is I have not listened (or been able to) since my dad died in 2006!!!!! No obvious reason why, but I associate the album with my dad dying that year. And now the baby likes it.
Signs I guess.
I guess it’s time to run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

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