My 19+5 Week Rainbow

So I had consultant and got to see a very wiggly bubba on the screen.
Sadly the sonographer was….a little on the grumpy side! But hey baby is OK and to dates, which to me is ALL that matters! Managed to get a lovely picture, which you’ll see below.
So consultant, he could instantly tell I am beginning to struggle…though to him I am “blooming well” (must have forgotten his glasses!) Anyway, he attempted to reassure me that the outcome for this baby will be a happier one, though he is a high-up doctor, why can I just not believe him?
So he has suggested for my next plan of action is to maybe admit me into hospital from 24 weeks. Such a hard decision to make. I desperately want to bring our baby home, but I am also a mummy to my earth angels, who need me more than ever.  Having spoken to my husband and fellow angel mummys they have all suggested fab things and am hoping I can get away with these. Day release, daily monitoring or maybe go in for 3 days a week. I have 2 weeks to decide, in which time he will possibly book me a stay.
On the other hand is I am petrified of being in the ward. Not because Melody died there….no, it is because I know that Melody was alive the last time I stayed there. I can here the machines through the window. But worse of all at the end of the of the ward is Melody’s quiet room. Where we had to leave her that awful day.
I had an attempted admittance when I was 10 weeks pregnant with my rainbow due to severe HG, but I couldn’t, I could not stay there, smell the air, hear the sounds. I ended up having a panic attack, asking for TTAs, because I knew I would cause myself more harm than good.  Luckily the Midwife was understanding enough, though I don’t think she knew my story well, she seemed OK with me leaving.
So I’m hoping I can find by the next blog, the strength to decide exactly what is right, for all my babies….. what ever that may be?!

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