Lost

In this day..31st March 2012 we left the special care baby unit on such a high;so happy, excited for the following day,excited for the coming weeks.

I will always remember, I know I’m expected to forget,to stop bringing it up… “I’m only torturing myself”.
I’m not. I’m holding on tight,to the little memories I have of our little girl.
I am terrified I’ll forget her. Forget ever second of her 35 days.
I’m busy in life,in family, sometimes too busy to think,to remember and process my grief for our little girl.
So the dates I have 26th February-1st April 2012,I hold on to so tightly,I’ll re-tell them over.
Because it helps me…
I’m not hurting anyone,I’m not hurting me.
There is of course readers who feel saddened by my tales,my memories.
But your moments sadness, can get easily forgotten, to the next parenting blog or news article.
Or pretty butterfly.
Remember that wisely.

On this day in 2012,as I said was amazing,it really was our final day of ” the before “. We of course didn’t know.
At home that day we made the preparations for the next day.
John and my son were to stay home. My daughter and I were going to spend the whole day at the hospital. She was going to be allowed to have a cuddle,to help with nappy and wash cares if she wanted to,she was eager, excited.
We were then going to have a picnic lunch in the little grassed area,in between the hospital and a stream. Peaceful.

It was going to be perfect.
At home the day continued, my daughter returned from her party. She was now looking forward to a day with her sister.

Whilst we were in our happy bubble. At the hospital things were changing. Melody was changing.
We phoned that evening, as we did every single day, I could never do that phone call. I was always scared.
We were told she was feeling poorly, not to worry.
We heard nothing until the following morning, when once again we phoned.
Nobody phoned us over night, we weren’t given a chance to have longer,or to give (in some cases) life saving kangaroo care.
We’d left the hospital with a hope that our baby was coming along nicely. She was healthy. She was coming home…
Our baby was dying, without her parents,we didn’t know until we walked into the unit.
Arriving only 15 minutes before she died. Fifteen minutes,will selfishly never be enough.
Those hours, not knowing how scared she was, not knowing if she felt pain.
They put her through a lot in her final hours.
We were oblivious.

So,so many questions that still go through both our minds.
But not one can now change that our baby died.
I’ll always feel helpless.

On this day, our lives were different.
Reading back through “On This Day” over on Facebook, looking through the countless comments,likes support for our baby girl thriving.
How different the people who comment,support is from then to now.
We aren’t the only ones who changed.

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