So today I am finding really hard, I want to be open and truthful about this, but as always I am worried about everyone else, and backlash.
This year is the first time, I’m wondering whether to carry the project on.
I don’t know if I can do this any more.
But I guess this is what today’s could be aimed at.
Nobody said that when our baby died, we would also be “mourning” the loss of friendships, discovering that people can be picky in what they support fellow family members in. I had better support network, when my husband left, than when we buried our child.
And when my dad died, there was compassion.
Nobody ever told me to replace him or get over him.
He never went to a better place, or that it was one of those things.
The isolation, the not knowing what is the right way to feel, how to act.
Before losing her you would engage in conversations about
not knowing what to do if your child died,
“I wouldn’t be able to survive”.
Well actually you have no choice but to survive,
to fight almost every single day to get your child acknowledged.
To watch people’s backs turn, the support decrease, because whilst the rest of the world/friends/family are bored of hearing that we have lost Melody, nothing will change.
People’s boredom, and desires for me to stop talking about her, will not change that she died.
It really, really hurts.
Maybe it really is “just” me. But at times it is incredibly lonely place
How my parenting and even my personality has changed, nobody ever told me this.
Nobody said I would lose empathy, and that I would come across as cold in certain situations.
Aside from the most darkest part of my life, and the darkest even I am not ready to share.
There is a light, brings friendships from when you never would have expected, strangers becoming your best friends, trusting people you have never met with things you would be too worried to share else where.
I can’t even describe what a privilege it is to be stood along side the most amazing, inspirational women, families I’ve ever come across. The women, who have gone through far more, but are still breathing, standing and even smiling.
That is the light right there
The light has taught me to be supportive, to offer a non judgemental ear, to not get wrapped up in the taboo and to fight to not only break the silence that is baby loss, but to keep my precious daughter’s memory alive.
I met and said goodbye to the most beautiful, brave young lady,
she is my daughter.
And I am not afraid to speak about her.