Express Your Heart
I really have no idea where I am on this.
I used to think grief was such an ugly thing, well of course it is. But it has re-booted my thinking, the way I see things, the way I feel.
It’s so ugly that there is a beauty to it too, born from something so black and so cold moving to a lighter feel, less chilly.
Melody has taught me so much, about life, about being a decent human being, looking out for the decent people out there too.
I’m at a stage, where I am at war with myself, actually have mentioned a little in a future post, so being careful not to repeat too much.
I feel sometimes that I’d like to be normal.
To reply,”I have 4 children…” with no head tilt to follow, or awkward back story.
I’m at a stage, where I feel like I want to put everything about Melody, grief, relationship…everything into a box (or should I say another box), put her away in the attic.
Even thought about removing her shelf, because at times I feel we placed it to feel “normal” in the loss community. But we won’t be removing this part of her.
I feel selfish
I feel guilty for thinking the way I do.
But I do, and I know nobody has a right to judge me..nobody.
I don’t want to forget her, it is not what I am saying,
in fact I’m not even sure what I am saying
or even know what I mean. It is almost like I don’t know how to express what I really am feeling right now.
I know we’ll never be complete, no matter how many children we have, the pure significance of our loss, means there will always be a person missing.
I’m enjoying the life I am leading at them moment, of course some days are treacle walking days, but right now, I have my family, my adventure family, my majorette family and my AP family. And most importantly my PAIL family.
But I’m at a place I never, ever thought I would find again.
I can smile, laugh have fun.
Then very rarely I get hit by a heavy feeling of missing, I feel like I am drowning.
I don’t want that any more.
But at the same time I don’t want to silence the love I have for my daughter.
I’m sure I will find the right balance.
I just (and I always will), wish that things were different, she should have been here.
My FIVE children.