Since the beginning of this journey back in 2012, we have seen empathy at its finest and of course at its very worst.
I think most of the time empathy is lost to people who have never experienced the loss of a baby.
We have found the taboo of pregnancy and infant loss to be incredibly strong…
Before losing Melody, if the topic arose, it would of course be of miscarriage, it seemed easier in a way for people to speak out about.
“Yes, I’ve had one”
“I know how you feel”.
When losing Melody, I assumed it would be just as easy to slide into society with this loss.
People simply do not know what to say or do, you’re met with a head tilt, awkward silences, or a fidgety rush because the person is suddenly late to be somewhere.
We were warned that people would lack empathy, that people would ignore us.
Being the nature we are, we didn’t really believe it.
Why wouldn’t we?
Its human, British even, to offer a cup of tea, sympathy warm hugs.
Yet at times we were met with, subject changes, awkwardness, crossing the road.
People related us when we had early losses, we were still deemed normal.
But her death is feared as contagious.
Or a cause of worry in case one of us crumbles.
People have said they don’t know what to say or do.
Tea and Warm hugs.
Ask the parents their baby’s name, it goes so far.
“I am so sorry for your loss, what was your baby’s name?”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Most of the time there is nothing you can do apart from not letting the parents feel alone.
Or become bored of their feelings, pregnancy and new babies are really hard for the bereaved parent, but having people walk away because of their anxieties brought on by MY loss, is actually cruel.
No two ways about it, you get safe in to a comfort zone with people you think you can trust, because they were there when the death happened, only for them to do exactly the things you confided in them about. Leaving you lost, confused.
Empathy has had a clear divide between my early losses, and losing Melody.
Real empathy would be to be the best friend or family member the bereaved could hope for.
Because once the light begins to filter through, it does very slowly the parents will remember who was there and stayed, those who never really were.