A Year Ago Today

A year ago today

A year ago today
I discovered, happiness, anger, and sadness can come so close together, that telling it apart can be difficult.
A year ago today
I discovered that someone else was having a baby, an easy ride, an ignorant bliss…
While I still couldn’t understand why my would be 5 month old wasn’t with me, with us smiling at her toys and her surroundings.
A year ago today
despite my jealousy, my anger over such a magical thing to happen to a woman could be discovered, feelings I never thought I would or should ever feel. Why her and not me?
That annoyance turned into
what if..
A year ago today
my pessimistic self showed through, will there ever be some kind of hope again.
Out of temper and frustration, I discovered this….
camera!!!!!! 019
What were we thinking?
What have we done?
I want to be happy but I am so terrified, it’s paralysing.
3 Positive pregnancies since 2010, but no baby to add to our family.
Would this be any different?
Why would it be any different?
So many questions, but so many answers to each.
The Journey begins.
A Journey like no other, I’d ever encountered.
The naivety taken, no getting excited about the “normo” things.
The learning to breathe, to let out a sigh of relief week after week.
Freezing with fear at regular intervals.
To have these happy pictures week in, week out, watching our Rainbow grow almost to the cm, still didn’t calm our nerves some what.
Looking back I wonder how we got here.
Right here finally our actual take-home-rainbow baby asleep in her cot.
4 month bun
Learning so many new things, taking everything in.
So lucky, incredibly grateful to three tiny humans sleeping in their beds, these tiny humans who have helped ease just a tiny bit of the huge pain we carry with us forever.
A year ago today….
my family
To be announced…new fundraising too

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