hyperemesis gravardium

Hyperemesis and Pregnancy Guilt

Parenting After Loss

Hyperemesis Gravardium is a condition in pregnancy which brings severe sickness and nausea. It is not to be confused with morning sickness. It is not the same.

I learned about HG when I was pregnant with my eldest daughter and was repeatedly told that the level of sickness was a sign for a healthy baby. It was, I was able to take her and nearly three years later, her brother.

I then became pregnant with another baby, our first with my now new husband. I felt incredibly sick and was sick a few times during the days between a positive test and the day I lost the baby. Being sick from then didn’t mean a healthy pregnancy.

I had another miscarriage between that one and when I fell pregnant with Melody, no signs of HG with that lost baby.

Melody, the sickness began slow and steady. It didn’t seem to be as intense, until I had a minor car crash; not sure whether it was coincidental or whether the HG was just slow to settle in, but it arrived with force.

There were days where I couldn’t sit up for long, because it made me giddy; I was only able to tolerate a small number of food and drink. The toilet became my best friend, it was all very isolating. I shut out the world, because I don’t like people hearing me being sick, so it was easier to stay at home.

The further I got the more I was sick, this had to be a good sign. No more worry of miscarriage, all this sickness would be worth it in the end…

I had bleeding on and off due to being sick, dehydration caused irritable uterus and Braxton hicks, but I knew that once I had hit the magic 24 weeks, all the sickness would be worth having a beautiful baby at the end.

Then she was born at 26+6 due to me having HELLP syndrome, I was very poorly it was the safer option for us both for her to be born.

The hyperemesis cleared up almost straight after birth.

Sadly, she died at five weeks old. The once distant memories of the hyperemesis came flooding back. Questions, Did the vomiting affect her?

Was I eating enough of the right food?

Did I eat too much of the wrong food?

She was the only one I ate peanut butter with, did that hurt her?

Of course, her death didn’t have anything to do with the hyperemesis.

Pregnancy After Loss

Was the most challenging thing I had ever experienced, outside burying our daughter. The pregnancy after her, I was so anxious that the hyperemesis remained bad throughout her whole pregnancy. I had no idea if any of the sickness would be worth it. I had weekly scans, the travel there was difficult due to being nauseas, sometimes that felt worse than the actual sickness!

She was born and the sickness went, we got to take our little girl home.

Now, the baby after her – our final baby.

The hyperemesis was so severe from the beginning, I had a job to move an inch. It was initially thought of a molar pregnancy because my symptoms were so severe.

I ended up with many types of medication including clexane just so I could keep a sip of water down.

The anxiety, which was difficult to work through, I had hospital stays very late at night, but the smell and the sound made me feel sick, flashback of our daughter’s life and death. It was the first year I couldn’t visit the grave on Melody’s birthday due to being so poorly.

The fear that the medications would hurt or kill our unborn daughter was so overwhelming. I felt guilty for hating the HG, for hating being pregnant. I wished everyday for the pregnancy for have moved on quickly for it to be over. I felt so guilty because I was terrified my wishing would also kill her or leave us with a child that would die in our arms.

I just wanted our baby to be here safe and well.

36+6, and days where I would be sick up to 60 times a day, and our daughter was born. She came home.

Hyperemesis triggered so much within my grief state. Knowing the medications, I was on were strong antiemetics, terrified me. But not taking them also terrified me. My whole body was low in nutrients, and I lost weight rather than gained.

Today, on Hyperemesis Awareness Day I need you to know that HG is not morning sickness, and not all babies come home from it.

Hyperemesis can lead to trauma-based anxieties. For me certain smells and being sick and seeing vomit sends me into a panic.

It took me a while to bond with our youngest, and that brought a lot of guilt; but safe to say I am so lucky that she got to come home. fffffffff

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