baby loss, grief

Triggers – Butterfly Awards 2017


I am so grateful to have been given the experience for the second time. I didn’t come away with an award, I wasn’t expecting to.

It was important for me to get Melody’s story out there. I was unexpectedly hit with a trigger; a trigger I can’t even bring myself to speak about; because if I do then no-one would really understand. No-one could possibly understand the way I have felt and have been made to feel ever since. It is a trigger that is taking me a little longer to recover from.

Leaving me not only grumpy and emotional, but as alone as I did when we walked away from the hospital. Needing to ask; Why Me? What did I do to be left the bottom of the pile?

It has all left me questioning whether or not I should continue with Melody and Me. I don’t know if I am making a difference any more or just upsetting myself further. Listening to people state how strong and inspirational I am; yet I couldn’t get passed this.

I love writing about her, without her I wouldn’t have progressed to doing any writing at all.

The evening was without a doubt a beautiful evening, and well done to everyone involved – I won’t say winners, because none of us are. No tears were shed by me until the trigger.

I hate these half assed things, I am sorry for telling a piece of this. But right now I am trying to process; I am trying to work out whether I should carry on with Melody and Me. I am trying to get passed this crazy emotion. I am drained.

I will catch up with Capture Your Grief, it’ll not be on a daily footing, because that calm place I was in, I have lost. I am certainly not in the place of being kind to myself and mindful.

Thank you for your patience. Thanks for voting for me.

Thank you to the two people who held my hand at the awards on Saturday.

the letter M on grass

2 thoughts on “Triggers – Butterfly Awards 2017

  1. Marisa Michaud

    You need to do what is right for you. Maybe you need to take a break. I totally understand because my DH and I started a non-profit in 2013 in Drakes memory – every year we held a fundraiser of some sort. After the event this yr, I decided I needed to take a break. I felt I was getting no where with what we wanted to do. Had/ have no idea if we were/ are helping people.
    So I decided to take a break to re-evalaute. To breathe.
    On this journey if grief we have to care for ourselves which is hard.
    Here for you if you want to talk.

  2. Kate

    I hope you find a way to find peace, I too struggled for a long time trying to find my place and how to incorporate Lily and my life with Alex (now with both boys) I have had to find a way to help others (as I have a need too) but not within the loss community otherwise I find myself missing put on here and now.

    I take Lily with me as I move forward and speak of her often and think of her more often but I needed to keep going otherwise I felt I would lise myself.

    Much love

    K x


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