Melody and Me

Memories – What Day Would You Want To Live Again?

It’s that time of year again, the memories of dates, the dates of before, the afters.
Even if it has been since 2012 I can still remember the tiny details that come with Melody, her scans, my consultant appointments. When it went wrong.
Time doesn’t heal, it’s not a magic cure, she should have been starting school in 2016; with one daughter leaving her primary school journey, as the other begins, that was what was meant to happen.
Time doesn’t heal, but for me it was like a rebirth, learning to live again. A different path had been placed. Through no choice of my own, that was what lay before me.
She may have only been here 5 weeks…35 days…just over a month. But Melody changed me, she changed us.
Another place I use to take comfort in, brought up a question I simply had to answer.

What Day Would I Want To Live Again? – Memories

Obviously all my children’s births, meeting my husband, our engagement, even various adventure days too, all up there on my favourite days…..
But the day I would live again would have to be…

The day before our daughter died.
We were a normal happy family, excited about the following day where L was going to help with Melody’s nappy changes. L was very excited, she was maybe hoping for a very brief cuddle.
Sisters, girls together.
We were looking forward to April, because it meant we had one month until she’d come home, remember the text the morning it went wrong.
“She’s coming home next month!!”
Yay! I thought, only one month of to-ing and froing to go.
If I had that day again, I’d have stayed longer, refused a party invitation for my eldest so she could have spent what we didn’t know was Melody’s last afternoon.
I would have held her longer.
Kissed her more.

Taken in her tiny hands, her warm soft skin.

We didn’t know she was going to die.
Amongst the wires (monitors not vents), and aside from missing my eldest’s presence.
It was perfect.
The Sun was shining, it was warm.
31st March 2012 is where I’d like to visit.
We went to bed that night happy and excited that she’d be home soon.

It’s that time of year again daffodils are out a lot earlier this year, even earlier than their early arrival back in 2012.
Sad they may not last until her birthday this year. I don’t like it. The daffodils are disappearing, a lot like people’s memories.
But unlike daffodils and short-lived friendships, my memory and love for her will always grow.

Memories, with daffodils pictured through a tear drop

I would still choose her.


3 thoughts on “Memories – What Day Would You Want To Live Again?

  1. Sharon Peake

    So sorry for you loss. My little girl was born at 26 weeks weighing 432g, so many times we got told she would not make it and she beat odds again and again, she went back on the ventilator when 3 months corrected, Iona was such a beautiful bright,clever little girl. Her lungs were to damaged and her body started to give her, though she still smiled and played. Last weeks of August she she got so poorly the drs said there was no more they could do and she wasn’t getting better she was just suffering and they wanted to stop treatment. She died at 11months old. My heart broke in 2. It will always haunt me that perhaps the drs were wrong and we should of fought them or that its my fault she didn’t get better. I’m hoping to come to the group but struggling at mo,maybe one day.

    1. Melody's Mummy Post author

      Aw, Sharon what a fighter. I am so sorry for your loss. Definitely not your fault, although it’s so hard not to put some blame on yourself. But it isn’t.
      You are more than welcome to group any time, it’s small but incredibly friendly, always available to listen xx


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