Monthly Archives: October 2014

Day Thirty One Sunset. #captureyourgrief

Well, I almost forgot, well I forgot enough not to catch an actual Sunset, but it’s not overly easy to get one, a stunning one from where I live anyway. 
My, how quick this month has gone; things have been different this year, I have been busier in my own mind, gives me a little bit of guilt for not dedicating this month to Melody as I have before. 
But I have had the mind space to be able to make a positive change, 
Presenting this years topic with a slightly different, more honest perspective, has helped greatly. 
I don’t feel as heavy, as the sunsets on another day, another month, my love for Melody hasn’t. 
My feelings for her haven’t. 
I’m not healed, I have just felt a more relaxed approach to talking about her. 
As I have said a couple of times this year, I am not sure if I will return to do this again this year, 
or whether I will keep it more private, more to protect myself. 
But I have learned so much, but I realise I still have so much more to learn, that is my next step. 
I would like to take a moment to thank the few who read and commented on the topics, 
it helped me to keep going. 
It may be a lot of rambling, but it does mean a lot that it gets read. 
So here is a photo of Melody, being held for the first time at 8 days old. 
Sun beating down on her face for the first time. 
I never in my wildest dreams thought I was going to be able to hold 
this tiny little person at just 8 days old. 
It felt incredible. 
I stroked her hair, I kissed her forehead. 
I felt her skin, so soft, so beautiful. 
It will always remain to us as unfair that our darling girl was taken. 
We will always question why?
She will always be our daughter.
Melody Caitlyn 
26.2.2012 – 1.4.2012
35 Days old. 
Forever Our Baby You’ll Be. 

Day Thirty Intention #captureyourgrief

I intend to learn more in honour of my precious child/ren Melody Caitlyn. 
My intention is to learn a lot more from my grief, to pass on the knowledge that I have so sadly had to find out in the most worst possible way, to try my best to help those who step on to this path, tightly hold hands whilst they walk through the needles scattered across the floor, help to make the path clearer, the pain breathable, when breathing is the last thing you want to do, when you hear 
“She won’t survive”. 
To pass on my knowledge of statistics, and symptoms, let women know that they should never feel afraid or embarrassed to seek a professional opinion. To trust their bodies, their instincts, and to question, everything. Because not everything is as black and white as straight forward policies and text books, you and your baby are individuals. 
I don’t want our baby to have died for nothing, she was an individual 
she should have been treated as one. 
My intention is to change this. 
My intention is to regain my relationship with Melody, to take a moment, maybe not every day but to try and muster the strength to be able to feel her near me. 
To remember the ones who say they do aren’t feeling her, 
she’s trying to find her way back to her family. 
This one is a big one for me. 
Finally to continue to write, I want to add to the next phase of Mayflower’s Rainbow. Grief for your child doesn’t end at another baby, nor does it end at a year. Another baby doesn’t replace what you have lost, so I’d like to add in addition to my first book, life instead of after loss, but through it, because simply for me there is no after, just a beginning and a middle, it will always remain, I am sure of that. 

Sharing my girl
Two Hours old
Ten Days Old holding Daddy’s Finger. 
She is so much like her siblings especially her little sister. 
Miss her every day. 
Because I am her mum. 

Day Twenty Nine Reflect #captureyourgrief

A day to reflect on the past month, the project itself. 
I have noticed a difference this year to be honest, the past couple I have been solely focused on Capture Your Grief, I didn’t feel I had place for anything else in my life, the first thing I thought of, would plan down to the final detail on what I would be doing. 
This year I found myself a little more relaxed in it. I was still keen to do it every day, and there were days where I wanted to give up. But really, I know that isn’t something I would have wanted to do. Because this is something for myself and Melody. 
I have noticed a big difference in support for the project this year, sadly it has changed, don’t get me wrong it really does hurt, to find those who read and supported last year not so this year, it does hurt. 
I guess people really do get bored. 
However these topics have helped me to focus on it’s not me, I don’t need to stop doing this project. I’m not doing it for anyone else apart from myself and Melody; Will I do it again next year? Maybe I’ll have to see, I’m at a stage now where to save myself from the dwindling ears, where I may keep Melody more to myself. Maybe I’ll just share via this blog and the other forum. 
This year really has helped me reflect on so much, I am still worried about being open on certain things, but have found myself being a little more open about the things that I have been worried about, without actually saying the things out loud, maybe one time I will come to that point, where I have no choice but to say these things out loud. 
Two Days to go, I will miss not doing the project daily, but I am actually at the place now, where I don’t think I am going to feel heavy come November 1st. For me this is a real achievement. 
I’ve not healed, or over her, far from it, I’m just feeling comfortable in my own skin. These shoes are mine and nobody else’s. 
Wasn’t sure what to use for a picture today, so I will just share Melody

Mummy cuddles!! 

Day Twenty Eight Wisdom #captureyourgrief

I assist with some amazing ladies on a loss site, as well as them another lady placed her wisdom to me also. 
So I am going to share an example of what I would say to someone who has recently joined us. 
A very sad and warm welcome to the group. I am so terribly sorry of your loss. 
Firstly did your baby have name? 
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, you will often hear that time is a healer, you will indeed hear this a lot, but you will find that at times it can make it a lot harder. 
Moving forward without your baby, isn’t easy. 
If you have yet to have your baby, rest assured that we are and will all be here for you. 
There is no right or wrong way in whether you see you baby after they have been born, it’s a decision only yourselves can make. Most hospitals are happy to take photos and prints for you and give them to you at a later date. 
If you can spend time with your baby, if you’re able to send someone to get two teddies, unless your hospital provides them (ours didn’t), give one to your baby to keep her company, and keep one for yourself, when the time comes to say your final goodbyes, switch them, then you’ll both have each other’s scent. Your scent to keep your baby warm, 
These next few weeks will be incredibly hard, but there is also no right or wrong way to deal with how you are feeling, only you hold your personal grief for you baby. 
Our baby was 5 weeks old when she died, and it took me 13 days to decide if I was going to see her one last time, I am relieved I did. 
I am 2.5 years down the line, I still have bad days, I still ask the world, Why Melody? Why us?
But I have come to learn to live with this new skin, at times it’s uncomfortable and other times it is easier to bare. But nothing will make me get over losing our little girl, 
Take one day at a time, there is no rush, don’t do things you’re not ready for. 
Please feel free to chat here as often or as little as you wish, we may all have different stories, but our endings are all the same. Our babies were taken from us, and we have to live ith this every single day. 
Once again I am sorry that you find yourself here, any questions please ask.
May not seem like it now, but you will smile again, and you will be allowed. 

Day Twenty Seven Express #captureyourgrief

I think this year this project has proven harder than past years; a realisation of things I guess. 
Where the support is, where it lacks. What I/ we are and have been missing out on, also what we have gained. 
It has made me think a lot about my grief, and not just about Melody’s story as a whole, but what goes with this journey too, whereas the previous years have mainly been aimed at Melody and my emotions, which of course is fantastic, but this years has helped me to look at the grief in a different perspective. 
(smiley eyes)
The one thing I did miss on the project this year is the “What to, and What Not to say” topic. Finding that even after two years there is still a lot to learn, as recent as last week, we’ve had to hear that 
“We should be over it by now. ” 
Imagine saying this to someone who is grieving their parent, or to imagine having to pick which child you would chose to lose… 
It is unacceptable, and baby loss, shouldn’t be dismissed in this way. 
(first dress)
Then there’s the pregnant ones, or the ones with new babies. 
I’d love to stand on roof tops and scream that our loss doesn’t make us contagious, we won’t infect your healthy newborn by talking about Melody, or by being in the same room as us, it may be hard to believe but bereaved parents aren’t baby-snatching people out to infect your child. 
We are still human, and we do notice when you slam the doors or turn your backs expecting us not to notice what has happened. 
It hurts.
I am expressing that I have come this far breathing and I will continue to do so. 
My little girl died at 35 days old, she was feisty, had her own little personality. 
Walking out of NICU hoping that we had been attacked by a cruel April Fool’s joke. 
Walking in the chapel to say goodbye to her, thinking we had to be quiet because she was asleep, too scared to hold her in case we hurt her. 
This is what we have to hold on to, memories, not enough but ones we will hold onto, forever. 
I will continue to speak about her, love and remember her, because I am her mum, she existed and I have memories to share, just as anybody else who has lost a loved one. 
(making memories)

Day Twenty Six Healing Ritual #captureyourgrief

Quite coincidental that this would be today’s topic. 
Today Melody would have been 2 years and 8 months old. 
On the 26th of each month I do a little something just for her and for me, I wear a vest top, that I used to wear for kangaroo care, something to keep us close.
Then come the 1st of every month I wear my Superhero t-shirt. 
A day where I have to breathe, to be as normal as I can be. To remind myself that I am a superhero, I live without our daughter everyday, yet I am still standing. 

My other I guess form of ritual is making sure we include Melody in all the celebrations, birthdays, Christmas and of course the closest on Halloween, 
as a family, we don’t really ‘do’ Halloween, it is just another day. The children occasionally dress up, they do like to make pumpkins! 
So again, today catching us at the right time, is Melody decorated ready for Halloween, 
she still has her banner from carnival season, be a shame to waste it..

Day Twenty Five Mother Earth #captureyourgrief

It’s quite a dreary Autumn Day here so not a lot of planting going on here today. 
However we had made a start on the garden over the Summer, Melody has her own section at the bottom of the garden, where we will be putting a wooden patio set up there, which we’re going to paint and make look funky. And actually that part of the garden is the base setting for a writing project I am doing and excited about. 
We do have a long way to go, but we’re hoping by next Summer it really will be finished, or almost there. We want it to be a space that, the children play next to it, place to smile and have a cup of tea with her, or simply just a place to feel completely relaxed with just her and our own thoughts. 
She does have her very own rose, named Melody Caitlyn. And where possible she has daffodils, which we’re hoping to have her own in her garden too. 

Day Twenty Four Forgiveness #captureyourgrief

I have struggled with today’s deeply. There has been so many unforgivable things we have endured since losing Melody, and it is something I actually haven’t the strength to do, or at least not yet. 
Knowing Melody’s death was preventable, has been the top unforgivable thing for us of course, but fighting this will never ever bring her back, but I guess this is a different type of forgiveness, I have to live every single day without Melody, it is something that can’t ever be undone. 
The other type side of finding forgiveness, is knowing how to forgive the people who are supposed to be there for you weren’t, how instead of helping were attacking everything we did to get through every single day. 
Spending the time I should have been grieving for my daughter was spent worried about what we had done wrong to the people who turned their backs. 
For me personally, although I will always grieve for Melody, I will never get over her, but grieving for people around us too, has hindered our thought process. 
For me this is absolutely unforgivable, I should have been dedicating my tears to her, my anger at the hospital, my strength to her siblings, but instead I gave my tears, my anger and lost my strength to the people who never deserved any of my time in the first place. 
I actually do deserve better, I just need to focus on the other sides of my grief, before I can even begin to work on forgiveness, who knows this may never come. 

(Courtesy of Google)

Day Twenty Three Inspiration #captureyourgrief

There are so many inspiring people in this community, the ones who raise awareness, carry on going. The ones who help others to make sure they don’t feel alone. 
I am in absolute awe of these people, of course they have their strength, but as we all know, when that is all you have left, you have no choice but to be strong. 
I’ve said before that it feels very lonely, when your child falls under so many of the taboos, a silent statistic I guess. There is a lot of awareness for miscarriage, late miscarriage and stillbirth, and those lost days after birth. The awareness of course still  needs a lot of work, especially for the UK. 
Which brings me to being inspired to do something in my area, I know it is going to be very hard work, as support is slow and minimal. I would like to aim to help people to never feel as lonely as we have done st certain points. This is not the time to feel alone. I’m not sure how I will do this, bit I will give it a jolly good go.
My Inspiration for today, are bereaved parents everywhere.
Holding Hands with Cake and Cuddles.
Holding hands seeing each other through the dark..

Day Twenty Two Self Care #captureyourgrief

I am not particularly good at spoiling myself, and actually not very good at others spoiling me either! 
With having a toddler at home, who doesn’t sleep very well, makes it hard to have time out, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

So, since the beginning of the year three of us have met up once a week dedicated to lunch and fun – The Mummy Adventures  
(If anyone who follows my author blog will know I actually write our adventures as a comic strip),we also do running on another night, and two of us do other things with the baby girls too.  

But this once a week has become so important to me, I think all of us find it important too; to be able to go out and just giggle, have a little bit of fun. Well more than a bit! It really has been a form of therapy for me at least
None of us judge each other, if we’re having an off day, then the other two can just tell, no need for explanations, just a smile and a cuppa. 
(or afternoon tea)
So this to me is my self care. 
Today although I actually failed to take a photo today, we had a wonderful time, we had lunch, we nattered, we shopped. 
This year is the first year in 3 years where I have been excited for Christmas, so Christmas shopping it was!