Monthly Archives: July 2013

right where i am

Right Where I Am 2013

My Guest Blog

Right where I am…..
Right where I am.
I have simply lost my words…
Why has this gotten harder?
I would like to jump off this hideous awful ride
But I can’t… It’s no good telling me to move on…
Imagine moving on without your child?
You can’t imagine? Then don’t tell me the impossible…
Dear Melody,
It’s been 15 months since that dreadful day.
Right where I am…
Where the hell is that?
Still wondering, still wishing.
What exactly did we do to have you taken?
To have us meet you, love you then ripped away from us.
5 weeks so precious, at least that can’t be taken away.
15 months we had to say goodbye to you.
The top of my things to tell you is how sorry I am we don’t come to visit, as much anymore, it’s not because we don’t love you, it’s because we DO love you, the pain every time I visit you is paralysing, the sick deep in the pit of my stomach, knowing how cold you must be how you’re there but I can’t touch you, makes me feel sick. I know this will be full of judgement, but I really hope you understand.
Because you know I’ll always feel guilty.
I hate this is how it is with you.
I’m sorry…
Happier note
We are though making a start in making you a pretty garden in our new back garden, a place where we can give you pretty toys without the fear of them being destroyed and your brother and sisters getting upset as they love to spoil you!
A way you can be part of their outdoor play.
I’ve found a way to live like this, to laugh and giggle.
Though I wish people wouldn’t use your name, or our story for their personal gain…sad.
Mummy has just signed up to raise money in your memory for an amazing charity to help families just like us, to help get the support they need.
I can’t change your clothes or buy you toys so this is what I have to do, for you.
I want to make a difference.
I miss you Melody, why couldn’t things have been different?
Thank you
Thank you for guiding your new baby sister, to help bring her home, to not only put a smile on mummy and daddy’s faces but your brother and sister’s too, so amazing.
I wish you could have met your sister…
After a hurricane comes a rainbow.
I’m having a moment where I am having a good couple of days, it’s difficult but I am grateful to you to helping me be a better person, albeit I need more confidence.
The bad days are few and far between now, but I need to control them, but I know it is only you giving mummy a poke to say
“Don’t forget me”
Love you darling…
I truly am so stumped for words at the moment, there are no understandable sentences out there to explain exactly where I am…
For now
I exist
(A post included on the inspirational blog Loss through the looking glass.
Some amazing work by inspirational parents).