Monthly Archives: October 2012

capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Thirty One Sunset

Well I can’t believe it’s over, today is the final day of this project. I know some have enjoyed reading, and I’m hoping people haven’t thought too much, well if I’m truthful it has really helped me; again to know I can mention Melody and not just for a once a year project. It has been nice to be able to do something for her for a whole month.
To be able to raise awareness on such a “taboo” subject.
Well unfortunately the weather is hideous, pouring with rain and to be honest no way to get a decent picture of any kind of Sunset.
So instead I have chosen a picture of Melody and her first encounter with the sun.
Though she never went outside, her incubator was by the window and fire door, she came out for a cuddle and the sun was beaming in, hitting her in the face lighting up her blonde hair that lightly coated her head. She wasn’t impressed but she also appeared intrigued by such a bright light. Being snuggled up in her incubator which for 80% of the time was covered by a blanket to give a womb feel, the sun shine was a probably a bit of shock to her.
Well here is my final project picture Melody and her first (and last) Sunbathe xxxxx
Again thank you so much for reading my blog these 31 days. I really hope it’s shown a little understanding into how Hubby and I are coping and dealing with things.
And a special thank you to Carly Marie for setting this up bringing thousands of people together. And to the other parents for sharing their stories too
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Thirty Grief

Ironic, today being grief as it’s something I am very much struggling with today.
The pain of having to go through burying a baby is something I will never be able to get written down right. There is nothing to ever be able to describe it.
The fear of losing her has now been taken over by the fear of people forgetting about her. And unfortunately cracks are already beginning to show, we have a rainbow on board and it’s already been asked if we’re looking forward to having a 3rd, or were we planning 3….um no this is my 4th baby, and sadly I know this will get worse once our rainbow is safely here.
Like a new pregnancy will make it all better. Unfortunately…I think for every one else this road will never end. People just see that we lost a baby…..
But….The realisation that she’ll never have her first food, her 1st birthday.
She won’t ever wear clarkes shoes for her first steps. Fall over and graze her knees.
She won’t get sand between her toes, fight with her brother and sister.
The excitement of her first day of school, coming home tired and grouchy.
She’ll never make a snow angel or feel the cold from the snow when she falls over from skidding.
She’s NOT JUST the baby we have held kissed, cuddled and lost. It’s a life Melody will never experience. An option never offered or given to her. A chance never to be had.
Please accept our grief. We don’t know how we’ll feel next week, next month or even next year.
She will always be Melody Caitlyn Scott.
But please don’t ever forget her.
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Nine Music

Is about Music that reminds us of our children.
Sia – My Love has very fitting lyrics, which we chose to have played at Melody’s celebration instead of hymns; along with the vicar we agreed not to have hymns, we viewed them as being for adults. I view this as Melody’s song.
Police – Every breath you take was the last song played as she made her exit to her bedside. So another important part of Melody’s day
Bruno Mars – It will Rain for me is the lyrics, in the beginning along with the time obsession it was the weather, when it rained it was like Melody’s way of making sure we wouldn’t forget her….
“If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it any more.”
Pink Floyd – Wish you were here one of the most beautiful songs ever written, says it all xxx
The Wanted – Gold Forever again one for the lyrics, (acoustic version)
“we’re standing in a light that won’t fade
tomorrow’s coming but this won’t change
cause some days stay gold forever
the memory of being here with you,
is one I’m gunna take my life through
cause some days stay gold forever
I won’t, I wont let your memory go cause your colours they burn so bright
who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold but I know that we’ll be alright “
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Eight Memory

Sharing a positive and negative memory that has been significant in this journey.
The words we were greeted with at 915am, the morning of Sunday 1st April 2012. These words haunt me forever.
I find it especially difficult as the woman speaking these words is very much part of my future care.
It’s not her fault, but I blame her for telling me, I’d only have 15 mins left with my baby alive.
When I see her now I can’t hear what she is saying apart from those  7 evil words. Feeling my legs buckle every time.
To be honest, apart from other negative aspects, there’s nothing worse than hearing these words, asking us whether or not they could remove her ventilator. I know this will stay with us forever.
My significant positive memory would be of course meeting my beautiful little girl. Knowing in her final moments, how brave she was, not a tear parted from her eyes, though her dying is such a negative memory, knowing that this brave tiny little person is ours, she knew her mummy and daddy wanted to say warm goodbyes, knowing it was difficult enough she didn’t show her fear. Knowing we’ll always have our very own guardian angel watching over us and her brother and sister….
Which brings me to the next positive, my angel and my friends angel brought two grieving mummy’s together, Melody brought her to me when she was still in NICU, the closer push came when she graduated with her wings.
This for me was a positive memory. She’s taught me how to be a different person, as I know I’ll never be the same again, but she has taught me the positive side to this.
I am in fact allowed to grieve and speak of Melody. And that no one should judge unless they have walked my shoes.
I’ll always be grateful to her and hope one day I can have just a little bit of her strength….
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Seven Artwork

Sharing artwork of some kind that maybe myself or others have done in memory of Melody. Well we’ve done nothing official.
We’re looking into eventually have her name written in the sands in Australia by Carly Marie. She writes their names under the beautiful sunsets of Australia, something I would never be able to do personally. We’ll get it canvassed too. I won’t share her artwork, as it’s not mine to share but feel free to look at her blog, which I’ve included at the side of my blog.
So I will share My eldest daughter’s bit of artwork, she had drawn before Melody had died. She always tried to draw her a picture every week, her first picture was in fact taped to the out side of Melody’s incubator by the nurses so she could maybe see it.
It’s pictures of her, Melody in her inci with her monitor and their brother.
They are pinned to our wall, love how my daughter still likes to include Melody in her drawings. xxx
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Five Baby Shower/Blessing

Today’s task is about things that were brought at a baby shower and/or blessing that was never used. I never had a baby shower, due to her being born too soon, so there was no chance sadly. It was something I kind of looked forward to as baby showers to me are fairly new. We didn’t have a big christening so presents and gifts weren’t there either.
So a brief one, I’ll share a picture of her hospital christening table and her baptism candle that the vicar kindly gave to us at her funeral.
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Four Siblings

I’m here to write about siblings, so I would dedicate today’s to Melody’s siblings. Two of the strongest children I’ve ever met.
They have held it together throughout this whole journey. My daughter even put her arms around me and her little brother while we sobbed in the church. I would probably have to say though they are 4 and 7 they have been our biggest support. They include Melody as their sister without us having to ever mention her to them. They are certainly not afraid to speak her name. Or look at her pictures.
They can of course go days without saying her name, and then other days where they non stop talking about her. Though being in the unit was hard going for them, as it was so hot, they never once complained.
I truly am so very very proud of them, always was anyway. But to behave better than some adults have is just amazing.
Capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Three Their Name/Their Photo

Today is about sharing our beautiful angels.
I have plucked up the courage to show one of her first ever pictures (I still can’t share her first), she’s so tiny and precious. This picture was taken within her first few hours, while she still had her vent in, she was only on this for 24 hours in the beginning. Stayed off it until 2 hours before she died
You can see just how tiny she was next to her daddy’s hand.
I hadn’t actually met her by this point I was still in recovery. Her right leg was slightly off colour as she had a little clot in her thigh joint, but it had cleared all by it self.
She was nicknamed little Miss fidgety pants, right from the beginning, she needed to keep her leg raised but no she had other ideas, forever “dancing” From this photos she had progressed so much.
Melody Caitlyn
Born Sunday 26th February 2012 at 1336 weighing 67g
Died Sunday 1st April 2012 at 0930 weighing 1kg
Forever wishing it had been an April fools joke
capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Twenty Two Place of Care/Birth

I’ve not been able to feel comfortable to be around her place of birth let a lone photograph it. I find it a difficult place to be near. I have to have regular appointments there, and I really need to psych myself up to go. But I am beginning to find my own way of coping having to be there, with the help and understanding of my husband.
So the other option was to take photos of people who were around to help. So I have collaged just a few of their names, I can’t name everyone as when she was actually born as there was so many people in the room to help her and me there was just enough room for equipment! Was a sea of blue.
Becky was my midwife throughout my pregnancy she was of amazing support. She also helped to get us in touch with Cruse. She also went out of her way to get my medication to stop my breast milk, which decided to naturally arrive the morning Melody died. Something so natural caused so much heartache.
Anji Was the midwife working when I was told our little princess would be arriving way too soon, I of course cried and when I looked around she was also crying, the emotion behind that moment I will never forget. Not only this after Melody was born I was allowed back onto the Antenatal ward so I wasn’t mixed with other mums who had their babies with them. So for days post surgery I was told I needed to be discharged, though I wasn’t medically fit, my BP was still over the place and needed medication. I was desperately wanting to go home, but I also didn’t want to leave our baby behind. Anji went and booked us a room at the family accommodation for the weekend, so I could transit home a little slower. This meant so much to us, she’d also sorted the accommodation out for hubby, the night before Melody was born when I was very ill.
Caroline Another midwife. She was one who assisted in my one to one care the morning before Melody was born, she even managed to sneak me in some breakfast, 10 minutes before I was told I would be Nil By Mouth until decisions would be made.
The time soon came when I would have to go to theatre Caroline was my named Midwife, she assisted to go through things and tried to relieve our anxieties. She stood by my head as Melody was born, and I BEGGED her to tell me that Melody was not born sleeping, I’ll never forget her soft voice telling me she was alive and squeaking.
Alex was one of the doctors who helped deliver her, she was also kicked by Melody as she delivered into the world. I have added her purely because she confirmed that Melody was indeed alive.
Ken My doctor, who I owe my life to to be honest (not to sound dramatic), I was visited every day by doctors for 4 days. This doctor was on he came into my room in the morning and told me he wouldn’t touch the baby until I’d read the 7th Harry Potter (I was on book 3, have still never gotten any further). He said I could go back to the ward and see how I felt. Mid morning he walked passed my bed to say he would check my bloods, within 3 minutes, he walked passed my bed to tell me he was booking a cot in NICU and that he would see me in theatre.
Had he left me any longer I would have fitted and neither of us would have come home (later discovered to be HELLP syndrome, severe form of pre-eclampsia). This man is awesome. Once Melody was delivered the mood lifted and he came across calm and had a normal conversation with us while I was being stitched. He is my doctor again now and I owe him big time for what he is doing.
Helen lastly but no means least is my midwife post operation. She did nothing but go above and beyond her duty (in my opinion), she went through in detail that that due to the trauma I may not be able to feed Melody. But she arranged a pump, she made sure Hubby was able to see Melody asap. She really helped us a lot. She’d come in regularly to check my legs had come back, so she could assist me to go and meet my daughter for the first time. Such little things meant a lot.