The day before, before a birthday we can’t really celebrate.
The day I should have been shopping for last minute gifts,balloons and cards,worrying if I’d got everything ready.
You see I’m OK most of the time. I’ve found a happy medium,where I can laugh hard.
But then there’s days like today. The day before her birthday. I’ve done better this year,as previous it’s been painful for weeks. But it has only ached hard(er) this last week or so….until today where it hurt like hell.
Where the tape and glue hasn’t been enough. My mind taking me back to the beginning, the sheer raw, agonizing beginning…OK not quite, because had it been the beginning, I’d have only just recently held her,kissed her,smelt her in.
But of course I’m not.
I’m just having a moment.
A moment where it’s almost a struggle to breathe. To cry until your lips hurt.
Go through my head once more..
Why didn’t we get a call sooner?
Why didn’t she get seen sooner?
Why the hell is this our life? What did we do to deserve having her snatched away?
I want to rub my nose against the top of her nose,snuggled in tight to my face. To remember her grip on the tip of my finger because her hand wasn’t much bigger.
I don’t understand. How we switched her off, how we’ve reached 4 years,in what feels like a blur.
Today I feel broken, battered and bruised.