Four

This time four years ago, a whirlwind of decisions, transfers and a three minute warning that our baby was being delivered.
In the morning I’d been told to remain as nil by mouth, although I’d just finished my sneaky piece of toast.
Trying to remain relaxed from a night of being poorly, I attempted to read my Harry Potter book,book four. I’d been in hospital for a few days so I decided I needed to read these books,whilst I had nothing better to do.
My consultant walked in,I needed more blood taking, before we would deliver me I had to read book seven.

That book mark remained in book four.

Transferred back to the ward to awaiting instruction that I could eat.

The doctor came,walked by my bed jokingly said,how would I like a baby today? Well, not really…
Three minutes later he speeds past the bed, tells me he’s booking a cot and he would see me in theatre..

Three minutes. At least 10 people surrounded my bed. John whisked off for scrubs. Forms and pens,for me to read and sign.
Later discovering I was minutes from seizing.
A Reminder that I needed to remove my eye brow bar.
The eye brow bar that wasn’t returned to my eye brow, yet four years later,I still attempt to fiddle with it.

Wheeled to theatre,where our gorgeous little girl was born,kicking and squeaking.

This time four years ago. She was here.

Four years ago Melody was born,670g of cuteness.
9 inches of feistiness.
I had two visitors that evening,I was so excited about telling the world about our tiny,precious girl. This tiny girl who was born at 26 weeks, had 10 fingers,10 toes; that she had made a noise when she was delivered. That although the gestation,she was a baby only miniature.
One visitor refused to look at my precious photos, I felt hurt and confused about why he didn’t want to see our perfect miniature princess.
The other visitor,he almost snatched the camera out of our hands to see our new bundle. Made the moment gentler.

It seemed crazy, that this micro baby,was ours

.

Four years seems such a life time ago that all this happened,four years and no four year old to show for it.
Almost four years since we held her warm body in our arms.
I can just about remember stroking her forehead, her smell. Kissing her tiny nose.
Four Years.
I wish,an empty one at that, that she was here celebrating her fourth birthday.
Her final months of play school before beginning her next journey.
I wish she was starting school this year.

 The bravest, sweetest of little girls.
At four years old she’s not as big as other four year olds.
She likes dancing, she never sits still.
She’s cheeky. Certainly a monkey with her name.
She’s bright,so bright…the brightest star perhaps.

I am so unbelievably lucky to be her mummy.
She has shown me so much. Taught me things,about people, about the world around me.

I just wish my birthday announcement could be different,the same as every other parents’ birthday messages.
But of course it’ll never be.

So here I am wishing you a Happy 4th Birthday. Wherever you may be.

I love you baby girl.

We have decided to attempt to raise some money for her birthday until the anniversary of her death on 1st April. 
Raising money to be able to provide butterfly boxes to newly bereaved parents in hospital. 
We never had one because of our circumstances. 
That’s hurt and has added a tiny portion to the rubbish we’ve dealt with. 
So,we would like to make sure no other families are left feeling the way we do. This year’s chosen ‘birthday” charity is 
Who provide these boxes as well as support. 
So we have set a goal for £600,which will go to our hospital and provide a number of butterfly boxes to give to heartbroken families. 
Today I’d like to share the link, I don’t want anyone to feel pressured,and I don’t like to come across as begging. 
But just in case this is our just giving page. 
Would mean so much,even just £1 towards our goal,for her birthday and lifetime period. 
Would be amazing. 
As always thank you for reading. 
It bloody hurts. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *