I think this year this project has proven harder than past years; a realisation of things I guess.
Where the support is, where it lacks. What I/ we are and have been missing out on, also what we have gained.
It has made me think a lot about my grief, and not just about Melody’s story as a whole, but what goes with this journey too, whereas the previous years have mainly been aimed at Melody and my emotions, which of course is fantastic, but this years has helped me to look at the grief in a different perspective.
The one thing I did miss on the project this year is the “What to, and What Not to say” topic. Finding that even after two years there is still a lot to learn, as recent as last week, we’ve had to hear that
“We should be over it by now. ”
Imagine saying this to someone who is grieving their parent, or to imagine having to pick which child you would chose to lose…
It is unacceptable, and baby loss, shouldn’t be dismissed in this way.
Then there’s the pregnant ones, or the ones with new babies.
I’d love to stand on roof tops and scream that our loss doesn’t make us contagious, we won’t infect your healthy newborn by talking about Melody, or by being in the same room as us, it may be hard to believe but bereaved parents aren’t baby-snatching people out to infect your child.
We are still human, and we do notice when you slam the doors or turn your backs expecting us not to notice what has happened.
I am expressing that I have come this far breathing and I will continue to do so.
My little girl died at 35 days old, she was feisty, had her own little personality.
Walking out of NICU hoping that we had been attacked by a cruel April Fool’s joke.
Walking in the chapel to say goodbye to her, thinking we had to be quiet because she was asleep, too scared to hold her in case we hurt her.
This is what we have to hold on to, memories, not enough but ones we will hold onto, forever.
I will continue to speak about her, love and remember her, because I am her mum, she existed and I have memories to share, just as anybody else who has lost a loved one.