Losing a child changes everything, shakes your world like you would never imagine, relationships cracked, fragile, some so broken that they’re irreparable, much like a fixed smashed glass, the cracks will still always be seen. It is hard to believe that the one most important relationship a woman should have as an adult, has become one of those.
Dynamics of relationships have changed, like the one I have with Melody.
In the beginning, it was easy to hear that she was in a safer place, she wasn’t alone, she was no doubt having fun “up there in heaven”.
I have said before how I struggled with the bonding, and even after death struggled to hear over and over again that Melody was felt by every body else, but me.
This is something I am working on, it may sound strange to hear, building a relationship with a baby who has died, but when I feel like she isn’t mine, for me it is very important thing to re-learn.
It isn’t easy to build a relationship with someone who is no longer here.
To learn that Melody is mine and John’s daughter,
just as a living child isn’t passed around, Melody isn’t to be either. She is ours.
We’re wearing our grief for her, in what is comfortable to us.
Of course the other important relationship is that with my husband.
Before Melody he had his own background, and that is not my place to say, but we’d had two miscarriages before we fell pregnant with her, these I thought had brought us close together, John moved in after our second one, because he couldn’t face leaving me alone again.
Melody was born and if it were even possible we became closer, he understood when I couldn’t visit her alone, he understood when I needed his hand.
He even learned that breast milk is warm,
and not refrigerated (refrigerated boobies) as it’s pumped.
No matter how stressed we were, how hard it was doing the NICU journey, when other people let us down dramatically, we knew we were there for each other.
Then she died, he carried me, he never one let me go,
I was terrified he’d leave too, not being able to give him a take home baby,
my body rejecting 3 of his babies, at that point I had no idea, how we would survive.
Even after she died and our relationship got attacked by people accusing him of abusing me, brainwashing me.
I thought this would drive a wedge.
But this relationship is something I look upon every single day
and wonder what on earth I have done to deserve to keep our marriage, so strong, unbroken.
I know that I am incredibly lucky