I have ever really sat and thought about how far I have come from the initial heartbreaking words to here today.
It’s been Two Years Six Months Two Weeks and Two Days since we heard the words.
I am still very much learning and growing from this journey, and I think I will continue to do so, and it’s certainly something that I will live with forever, just at different levels. There are things that Melody will miss, and I know that she will miss, so that level will be something to work with, but the days in between are somewhat lighter than they were 2 years ago. But that can’t be mistaken for being over her…because I am not, I won’t ever be.
My thought pattern has certainly changed, I am a lot more mindful of others, but I think the downside to that, is expecting others to be mindful too. That can be quite draining. Seeing things that could be sensitive, when actually it isn’t to the person being insensitive, that person just hasn’t had their eyes flung wide open. It’s something I am trying to work on, to let it hurt less. So many things to work on, so much to learn.
I struggle deeply this time of year, I was pregnant with her, remembering the dark nights the excitement of Christmas 2011 being the Christmas before having a baby in the house. 2012 I was pregnant again, but no baby in the house until 2013.
Am I Stuck? This is quite a hard one, with her death being preventable, it is something that pulls me down greatly. No real definitive answers, she quite simply should have been here. but she isn’t, I am living every single day knowing there could have been other options, but I think that is the one thing keeping me stuck.
I am comfortable with being Melody’s mum, as you’ve read there are days where I struggle with the concept of being a bereaved parent, but never Melody’s mum. I don’t want to protect everyone else’s thoughtless minds, I need to protect Melody from them.
I will keep going.
Is there a peace or anger with my thoughts? A peace I guess that because my body let her down with HELLP meant we could meet her, be with her. The anger is that everyone else let her down too. At my body, at the ungratefulness of people in their easy pregnancies.
But of course this comes back to mindfulness, a comfort and being stuck, all at the same time.
The changes I need to make to get to the next step, is to stop worrying about what others think, to not listen to the people who beat and bruise me because of their guilty conscience, but to focus on healing, to figure out how to tie a knot in between the people close, and for the unsupportive ones to eventually fall off through lack of circulation.
I don’t want to be cured of my grief, because my grief for Melody is adjoined with love for her.
I have learned that leopards don’t change their spots, non bereaved parents truly have no clue, and that is ok, because even I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, to have their child ripped from them, but to have the pain bottled an a little taste, may give a minute feel to the way John and I feel.
Finally I do believe that grief and healing can work side by side together. It has to if I want to survive to carry on living, there has never been an option to – Give Up.
A new skin. An invisible tattoo, no ink, no scars but you know that something is there, it is a permanent part of my life, it may itch from time to time, and days where it just isn’t noticeable, but nothing or no one can ever change that part of your skin.
I am getting used to it.
Exploring the new me.
With my three of my best friends in the world
(of course aside from John 😉 )
This night out was my first “big” night out in two years.
We laughed, we danced.
Because I am STILL human.