Struggling a little with today’s entry if I am perfectly honest.
“A place that you feel connected to?”
When she was born, I lost the newborn bond, Melody was mine, ours but she never felt like she was truly ours. She also ‘belonged’ to the NICU. Being told when to hold her, when to feed her, even when to change her. They told us many times that she was ours, and no one knew our baby more than we did. But we weren’t there 24/7. I didn’t even get to put her first dress on her, was always someone else’s clothes.
When she died, the lack of bond and connection, turned into horrendous guilt, a need to be close to her…but it never came. Did she ever know that I was her mum? She had heard so many voices, did she know?
Her grave, she is buried there, she is there, I – We struggle to visit her too often (although something has changed, which I’ll mention in a moment), because as far as we’re concerned she is there, she isn’t all around us, and no amount of people telling us other wise, changes this, I wish it would.
Being constantly told that people can feel her near them, feel her close, only adds to the feeling that she wasn’t mine…it doesn’t help. Having to comfort others in regards to her, makes me feel all the more numb, because that should be my place.
But things have changed, this part is for me a constant battle, a battle to return our sweet little girl to us, her parents, part of the reason I am taking part in this project this year to to assist in this, I want to be connected to her.
Have decided to re-learn to find some kind of healing, a healing where I can feel her, and be close to her. When listening to people say, they can feel her, or she’s their guardian angel, is to teach myself, that what ever they are feeling is NOT Melody.
Melody is trying to find her way back to her family, a bond that was lost.
I have begun re-visiting her again, once a week, her little sister likes this too…not morbid, it’s something that is a must when your family a torn. It’s not an easy task, its almost forced, but it is something I need to do, if I am going to walk this journey I need to at a more gentler pace.
OK so here is today’s photo, after waffling, but feel it is connected to today’s challenge; we went to North Devon days after the funeral, and it’s a place for me where I feel comfort, a place where I/ we can be just us, the beach a place of peace, which I am hoping one day will lead me to feeling closer to her again.
Small steps forward, will I hope help reduced the leaps backwards.
Saunton Sands, North Devon.