That time of year again when I join in with a project for bereaved parents.
A project to be able to set aside some time for the babies/children no longer with us.
For me this year is the first time I am really struggling to complete such projects. I participated in a guest blog, which I do every year, and to some extent I “enjoy” – for wanting a better word – being part of, but I struggled to find the words.
Although I am not very creative I have also struggled to find the inspiration for the prayer flag, putting it off and putting it off.
Whilst we were away on our short break away, I was able to have a little wander around the charity shops, where I found the fabric that I knew instantly would be perfect for her flag.
The colour being golden, the fabric itself beautiful. I assume it was an old table runner at some point. Some may say it was too beautiful to chop; that may well be, but you see the reason I do the flag every year is although it is hard at times I can’t do normal things for her.
I can’t take her to the beach and watch her make sand castles.
I can’t push her in a swing or chuck her in a paddling pool.
I can’t do something as simple as buying her beautiful clothes, whether that would have been dresses or trousers.
I cannot do any of this
I know I don’t have to justify myself.
Luckily many many people will never understand these desires, to have a child you cannot dress or play with, and not through choice. I wouldn’t have chosen this. (But I still would have chosen her).
So by finding fabric for the prayer flag, it has to be perfect and of course beautiful. She may have only been here 5 weeks, three years and four months ago, but she deserves to have the most beautiful fabrics, ornaments and flowers I can find.
My living children deserve the world, if I can give it to them I will, this will be said the same for Melody too.
She’s our honeymoon baby.
I have really questioned my actions regarding the flags and her memory this year but truth is I can’t change a thing, I can’t stop her from being my daughter, meaning I won’t stop talking about her either.
It maybe be getting harder to speak about her in face to face situations, but nothing can or will ever change that we have a month old baby who died.
The prayer flag project provides me healing, a moment of reflection, that rather than dressing her in a frozen dress or braiding her hair, I am indeed making a flag. Keeping her beautiful memory alive.
The flag consists of Daffodils for our spring time girlie.
Daffodils and sunflowers make us think of her.
The fairies, she has on her headstone, so we try our best to have fairies as part of her flag, her shelf in the house and will be in her garden once it is completed.
Like fairies, Melody was tiny and full of mischief, yet absolutely beautiful.
As quoted in Polar Express –
“Sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.”
Thank you for reading my Day of Hope Blog 2015.