Day Four Now #CaptureYourGrief

People have said about being brave and being strong, because they “don’t know how we do it” 
The thing is when you have no choice, there is nothing more than to walk forward, get out of bed. When you have living children at home, there is no “crying on the sofa all day” 
As many would believe. 
It’s to try and carry on living the best I can, with out Melody. 
She may have only been here a short time, we were only beginning to get to know her, when she left. 
People may think it is time to move forward, to focus on the here and now, and of course it is, 
but I refuse to leave Melody behind. 
I’m expected to slot back into normality, be the person who I used to be. Part of me was stripped, torn from me, when I already thought the world was an ok place. I’m just not going to be the same
The person I am today is full of new anxieties, which I’m not particularly open about and is not something I am ready to share; 
although people who are really close to me know and sadly too well understand. 
I see the world differently, the frozen heart I speak of, 
the empathy I once had an abundance of…gone. 
That’s the dark side, I think once you have seen your child’s coffin lowered into the ground, a forever goodbye, telling your living children that their sister died…does that too you. 
My grief, from which I am still learning (and will never go away), is to smile, how to breathe, to know that is allowed, to cry to know actually it’s acceptable. 
Losing Melly has taught me (cliché) love, a new appreciation of being a mother, I’ve always loved being a mum, but being a bereaved mum, 
and a mum with living children is an entirely different thing. 
I am three quarters a mum. 
I watch them sleep more, I play on the floor more. I want them to experience things I never had, and to help them find beauty, when they have already had to see the ugly. 
It’s different….
I still moan when I am sleep deprived though!! 
Finding a new path into a future I never believed I could or would ever do (will go more into that tomorrow). 
One of the most recent photos of me, with Melody’s older sister. 
I am Two Year Six months and Three Days on.
I have come this far, I can smile. 
I will continue to keep her memory alive. 
Nothing will ever change from me, being her mum….

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