Day Eight Resource #captureyourgrief

The night before she died, I posted a worrying post, I felt scared and alone. The only place I could talk to people who would care. 
Hey ladies… anyone with a premature? Just wanted to know if they had the Retinopathy  test? If so how long did they take to recover etc...Melody keeps desaturating and is awaiting a review approx 2am from docs… she had the test Thursday,so could be just inpatient,no one seems to wanna explain or tell us a lot sorry for waffle,to scared to sleep now ”  
One of my last messages,searching for answers 

I do wish, we hadn’t put our baby’s death on Facebook, but The reason it behind this, was because the morning she died, the time we didn’t even think she would be dying that day, we asked for prayers and positive vibes, in the hopes that when we did arrive at the hospital that morning, it would have been nothing but a mountain out of a scary mole hill. 
But of course it wasn’t. 
Looking at our phones to contact family, all we could see was “Get Well Melody” or “We’re praying” Positive messages, messages of hope. Brief sentences that these people could carry on with their days. 
Only all hope, was gone, prayers unanswered, well wishes useless. She was dead and there was nothing, or no words that could have changed this. Unable to know what to do, unable to stop the messages, we simply put 

“We haven’t put it on our profiles yet but Melody grew her wings at 930 this morning-devastated is not the word x”

But of course we had no choice but to tell the rest of our friends..
Later that evening, the children had gone to bed, had blown kisses to Melody’s brightest star. John and I completely and utterly dumbfounded, what the hell had happened?
What do we do? 
Not knowing what to do, 
The following night I turned my computer on, and typed, hands shaking I had no idea what would become of this. 
I had relied heavily on forums during her pregnancy and of course her NICU journey. I told my original birth group, awaiting their replies sifting through the Facebook replies. 
John had managed to finally doze off, words failed me..

(Before we knew what really happened, guess work)

“Hello as with everyone,never thought I’d be here. Still very very raw. Our little tiny melody grew her wings yesterday. Our 5 (exactly) week old much angel. I don’t know where to go or whether I can post here. So please forgive me if I’m in the wrong place. Hubby has finally dozed and yet again sleep fails me, so thought I’d introduce myself. Please bare with me as I don’t know the medical terms well. Melody was born at 26+6 due to pre-e and HELLP. She was such a fighter we even got a discharge date… until Sunday where she sadly had enough and grew her wings. We have today found out she died of overwhelming sepsis/NEC and IUGR where we been told had I carried further she wouldn’t have survived. 

I don’t know why I’m posting,what I want or where to go from here… I just don’t know. 

Sorry for rambling”

My first post on a place I now call home, my family. 
A place I don’t get judged and a place I can now also help (well I hope), others who are in this community. 

There are a couple of groups I am part of, but they are secret and I don’t wish to share further. 

Then of course CRUSE, the one organisation that has no cut off, no restrictions, just an ear. 

Without these resources I have no idea where we would have been. I will go into a little more with support in a couple of days.. 

So with my lantern and blanket I wandered lost and confused, found PAIL, whilst hiding over at BT.
Without these groups my resources would be none.

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