There are a couple that stand out for me.
First the most obvious. Time is a healer. It isn’t. Not in relation to losing her.
The hard core pain does lessen. But it’s there all the time.
I had my first c-section in 2005, between that and the next one there were times it hurt. Not all of the times,but certain times I’d get a reminder that I’d had major surgery.
Same in between all of my sections. I’ve had five. Time hasn’t necessarily healed a thing, I’ve a scar, actually I’ve two section scars. They’re there. Forever.
In the early days time played a huge part in my thoughts. I became obsessed. Time made everything worse. Life moved on, but our little girl’s didn’t. It’s a reminder of how people forget, so easily.
Walking slow motion with flashes of light speeding by me. That is what I envisage.
The Great support.
Don’t assume someone else is there for the people at the centre of grief.
There can be times when you could be surrounded by five thousand people, but they don’t see you, you can’t see them, but to the world looking in,it looks like a village.
There’s never too much support. Never too many offers to talk,to have tea. To have a shoulder too cry.
I have touched upon this before,because support in such a shit time is so important to a bereaved parents grief process.
People who should have been there for me weren’t, it has effected me almost as much as the loss itself. It shouldn’t have been that way,my grief should have only been for her. And not for the support that wasn’t there.
I can’t talk too much about this part. It has effected me that much, I’d rather talk about the raw pain of Melody’s goodbye,than speak openly about the hurt I feel.
My energy should not be wasted.
You won’t upset me by bringing her up,and I’m not over her if I say I have 4 children rather than 5. I choose my audience. (Please take note,because you must be important if I’m sharing her with you).
I won’t cry of you mention her name,okay maybe I will, bit only very occasionally, the few times where someone may have done something out of their way, most people would get emotional over that.
She wasn’t poorly, she was premature but she was not poorly. Please don’t think that because she was premature,that she didn’t come home,that’s it’s okay for her to have died.
I’ve heard “ah,well she was really early”. Not helpful,and not a reason to brush off her death, imagine saying to a cancer patient, ” well, you did smoke”.
I know people assume it is OK to find silver linings,to ease the blow. But this wasn’t the case and her life mattered.
Up until a few days before her death,and even less than 24 hours she was doing well, full of drama and diva ways as she has left behind in her baby sisters,and what she received from her big sister too.
After all,she had red hair…
Finally, I really am neither crazy or contagious, and neither am I going to snatch your child (like EastEnders would have you believe)! I can laugh hard, like you. I can have a good time, like you.
I am lovely really. I just have a daughter,who is no longer with us,who maybe one day may end up saving yours.