Choose Your Breath.
I never realised just how painful grief can be until 1st April 2012.
I’d experienced grief, from losing a pet form, losing grand parents, losing my dad suddenly.
Even the end of a relationship grief.
In forms where I thought my heart had been broken, when actually none of the above made me hold my breath, feel out of control, never made me feel like I was physically smashing into tiny pieces.
I could actually feel my insides rip.
No cliché, no made up feelings. Broken, smashed.
This would never be fixed.
I’m not saying losing a grand parent or parent is fixable…death isn’t fixable.
But, it really is hard to explain and it isn’t comparable to losing a child.
It’s not the order of things. Memories never made, dreams shattered.
I just never imagined to be so many types of grief, and different expectations for the types of grief either. Nobody, and I mean nobody crossed the road when my dad died, hugs condolences, even from strangers. When our baby died people avoided us.
That wasn;t my expectations, people think it is acceptable to tell you to move on, to try again…better luck next time.
Nobody ever told me to get a new dad.
Nobody wants to hear about child loss.
I don’t want to hear about it, but my choice was taken.
So, I think this has been my main shock discovery on how different grief is, to me to you, to society.
I just expected the same level of care.
I shouldn’t have, I know.
I do very occasionally get frustrated by the lack of understanding from people, their ease of having a baby, their ease of parenting. Thick un-popped bubbles.
Even people who seem to crave the attention of being a bereaved parent.
Now, that I cannot understand. Nobody ever wants to swap though….
Its not that I would ever wish this shit on anyone…ever but to bottle up some understanding, rather than pretence, when actually it is damn hard to explain the true day in a life of a bereaved parent.
Children are so unbelievably precious.
Gifts, that some, for some reason take for granted.
Where am I?
Well I am
Three Years Six Months Three Weeks and Two Days into this journey.
I can’t say that I am comfortable, and I can’t say that I am complete, neither go hand in hand with having a dead daughter.
But I am at a place now, where I feel peaceful, I cannot change anything, I cannot bring her back, I cannot remain angry at the hospital.
I’m at a place where I need to have guilt free giggles, guilt free Christmas Shopping, when I haven’t brought Melody a wind blower, or a bunch of flowers, I’ve found a zone, where I am ok with this.
I am at peace with my self on this one.
I have living children, who need to have the most magical of Christmases, who need a smiling mummy and daddy. Giggles.
We do still include her, we just can’t include her in everything we do.
I’ll remain open about her to some degree, her younger sisters will in time understand that there is a baby, a sister as well as a headstone and pictures frozen in time.
I’ll continue to speak about her to chosen few, at given times.
I’ve five children, nothing or nobody can change that.
Grief and Healing can co-exist, only I feel led by the people who are grieving.
there is no right and wrong way to grieve, there is no time scale.
Grieving parents should never be rush or forced into getting over it..that’ll never happen.
But I guess a form of gentle healing, gentle grieving can really go a very long way.
Every one does wear grief differently.
All I can do is keep breathing.