As I’ve reached the end of this project, I’ve come to realise I am in a completely different place, to my very first Capture Your Grief in 2012.
Which I guess is the whole point.
I am seeing things differently, it is really difficult to put into words. The only thing getting from brain to screen, is that I don’t want to be a bereaved parent any more.
I can’t walk away, or forget her it is impossible, but I am finding a different place. A new focus.
I can never explain what being a bereaved parent feels like, or having the need to switch off.
As the sunsets on Capture Your Grief 2015, I’ve found the realisation that I’ve made the decision not to do one next year. (Although of course I may change my mind). My head wasn’t fully in the project this year, it had always been a way for me to open up, to speak about unasked questions. As the time has gone on, with less and less interest, it only makes my healing harder, because rather than concentrate on my personal healing, I’m thinking of other people. I’ve done this far too much within this journey.
So at this moment in time, I shall be attempting to switch off, focusing on positive that Melody gave me. Moving forward in a way that I will no longer be “just” the bereaved mum, I want to be normal. Enjoy the most wonderful people I have in my life.
To enjoy this Christmas as if it were my first, taking in the smells, the colour and the beauty.
For the few who follow my blog, I will continue to note things here and there, just taking a break from Capture Your Grief.
I need to find me again.
I am Melody’s Mummy, I always will be.