Regrets And Triggers
My one “major” regret would be that looking back I
confided and trusted the “wrong” people.
To have things I had said, whether I’d had a moment of anger or frustration or even upon visiting Melody at her graveside, I found people would eventually come to use these against me, or do the things I had spoken about.
This and instead of focussing on my raw grief, I worried about other people’s thoughts and feelings, when quite frankly they thought very little of ours.
I personally think my grief was then directed on these things rather than the loss of our precious daughter, imagine taking away the first feelings or photos you have of your newborn baby when it is first born, because of other people.
Well it is how I feel, I can’t get those early days back and made comfortable, its misty through thinking of everyone else.
I often question whether I was too open, did I talk about our loss too much?
People tell me I didn’t, but here I am questioning myself.
I regret not knowing about cold cots or the fact that we “could” have stayed with her longer…we weren’t told.
Triggers, will of course be the hospital, things like not walking the same side as the unit when I had to return for appointments, I couldn’t park on the bottom floor, this was where we parked when she died, can’t go to the main entrance of the hospital, as that is where we re-grouped in the cafe.
I hate going to the bakery that is situated under our old living space.
But these are things I can and have dealt with time and time again.
My aim is to now not let my regrets over, really what are “silly” things, define my relationship with grief, I can’t change things, but I can certainly learn from them.
These are where my regrets should be tied.