#captureyourgrief Day Seven

We are “lucky” in that we did manage some kind of memory out of our time with Melody.
I feel ungrateful some times, that I wish we had more.
There have been missed moments that should have been a memory.
My eldest was given a dragon as a baby,
all the children apart from Melody has enjoyed him.
Those words..
“If I had known she would be gone…”
I’d have taken him to see her.
Or laid her on the bumblebee costume they have all tried on.
“If only”
Small words on their own, powerful together.

She had such a personality about her, even as such a tiny little thing,
she was,just amazing.
Four years ago, I wasn’t even 12 weeks pregnant with her, but began such a journey we had never envisaged.
It is hard to pick one specific memory, or one that I haven’t shared yet.
Because although there are 35 days worth, it’ll not be enough.

There would be the first time, I met her; I was terrified to touch her, but I couldn’t get close enough, because of my wheelchair and her leads.

Daddy met her before I was able.

My first ever cuddle with her, I never expected to hold her so soon, but at 8 days old here I was nervously holding her. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.
She was so beautiful. I couldn’t believe my 26 week preemie, who was the size of a 23 weeker, was so unbelievably perfect. 
Fingers, toes, hair, blonde hair. 
23 cm/9 inches of baby. 
A baby that was supposed to be still inside of me, was there in my arms.
She smelled gorgeous. 
The children’s first time touching her, she would turn to the sound of their voices. 
They should have been great play mates. 

Daddy’s first cuddle, 
he’d had containment cuddles but this was his first out of the incubator cuddle.
She look so much like ALL of her siblings here. 

 The day this photo was taken, we had been given hope.
A day to come home.

All she had to do was put on weight, it was all we were waiting for..
Yet these two photos were her final ones alive. 

She was supposed to come home.
We were supposed to have had a full family portrait with her older sister too.

At times, it all seems like such a distant memory, 
was she even real? 
I miss her. 

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