Dark and Light
We were plunged into an unnatural darkness the day Melody died. For us it became our first day of forever, a scramble to find some kind of light from this.
The dark would I guess be “secondary” losses. Discovering things we weren’t offered from the hospital, things that other hospital offer.
We didn’t know that things like cold cots existed, or that we were allowed to spend extra nights with her, I know we had already had 35 days with her, more than most, but I never got to co-sleep with her or wake up in the morning next to her.
We never got a care package as such, a lot of hospitals offer memory boxes, that include candles and teddy bears. We left the hospital with a butterbox, poems that aren’t really significant to neonatal loss, her red book and her belongings, that were already hers.
Let down…this was just the beginning.
We have seen friends and family, let us down time and time again, bored of our grief, maybe its too long for them. We had some lovely support initially but as time worn on, life changes.
Our loss is now boring..to them.
Not wanting to speak her name,
“What’s the matter? Or is it JUST THE BABY” spoke by a family member.
Is what the baby? Who has a name, who died. Nothing “just” about her.
We were asked to get over it, in the days between her death and funeral..family member.
Trying to seek comfort or justifying myself, I’d say I’ve just lost my child…met, not with a hug or even a head tilt but a “But I’ve lost MY **********”
Trying to pretend to be the perfect carer, the perfect support, when people we have found are out for themselves, making them look good. Or this is how it seems.
We’re just the broken mess, the crazy ones….
When actually if people had taken the time, and walked with us, which there have been a few, some collected along the way.
Will have found we have evolved into different people, there is a slight chill about us, but we have found beauty and laughter.
We parent different of course, we were stripped of innocence, but to enjoy every single moment.
I take more photos, of the children, my surroundings, because you really don’t know when they become all you have.
Melody has taught us so much about people, about things and life in general.
We really do have light spots in our life too. Rewinding back to 2012, I never thought would happen.
We can breathe easier and stand tall.
Our light is new togetherness, strength and friendship.
The dark days are few and far between, believe it or not its allowed.
An example of seeing different views, watching the beautiful sun, the colourful sky, with the darkness in the beauty too. Taken a few nights ago.