A taboo…In the grand scheme of things I am still really new to being a bereaved Mum, I’m still learning. Five years and five months since she took her last breath. Death lasts forever, it happened before her and of course since. In the bigger picture of being a bereaved Mum I am only an infant.
I struggle to make sense of how society is a round baby (child) bereavement. The poor support, the boredom from people who don’t fully understand; the minimal timescale that society thinks a bereaved parent should be over it. If I were to say to a widow, “Isn’t it about time you were over that by now.” Or if someone had said to me, “At least you have your Mother, she can always marry again…” In response to the death of my Dad, I’d most likely have shouted them down if they had.
Disrespectful, downright rude. Yet if you lose a baby, in any way; the babies who never get to stay, I had to hear “At least she didn’t come home.” Or “At least you have other children.” People can be very unkind.
Why did all become such a taboo?
When did is become acceptable to attack a grieving parent? In history the dead (BBC website)- ESPECIALLY children were remembered and respected in these photos. Staged photo with the dead to make memories, before the final goodbyes were seen as a mark of respect. Infant morality was a lot higher then too.
But why the change?
Friends share their babies who have never take a breath, photos are all the memories they have; but are then told to hide them away in inappropriate ways.
But in today’s society this behaviour is deemed acceptable. The attitudes of “We don’t want to see or hear about that.” It’s harmful. My own photos have been attacked by strangers, my photos only included her in life. It is harmful to the parents, harmful to the parents who want to make a change, harmful to medical research to try and change the mortality statistics. Because let’s face it there are still far too many babies and children dying who shouldn’t be.
I have donated to many charities in my lifetime from health related ones, animal welfare, refugees. If I can I will. The community spirit in all of the above is how it should be. But you mention baby loss people may as well run for the hills, just recently an acquaintance had a lip curl and even a slight snarl because I had mentioned my daughter, my dead daughter.
We do notice the awkward fidgets by the way.
Talking about these babies, children not only make parents feel less alone but it brings awareness, can ultimately save babies lives or simply open up opportunities for people to be properly supported.
Millie’s Trust came about because Millie died, her parents using her memory have gone on to save hundreds of other from the heart ache they endure.
Maison’s Memory because a little boy died from an accident, now his parents work closely to help with safety measures to keep other babies and children safe.
Towards Tomorrow Together, again because a baby died, and now his parents help give resources to other parents going through the same.
These are just a few reasons why Baby Loss should never be a taboo. I know people get really annoyed and fed up with me speaking openly about you girl, about her death.
It is how I chose to deal with our loss. But most importantly it is because she is MY GIRL, our daughter.
Melody, herself has changed a procedure at the hospital, the R.O.P test, she has changed how quickly sepsis should be treated, and making sure extra staff or more appropriate staff are on in the evenings and weekends. The death of my girl did this, talking about our girl did this.
So, please tell me.
Why is it so disgusting to speak and share about our babies?
Why do people think it is okay to be so insensitive to bereaved parents; to insult our babies?
I do understand that it is difficult to speak to someone who is going through such a loss but if you don’t find it acceptable to question a widow, or someone who has lost a parent or even a pet, particularly about replacements and moving on.
Then it isn’t acceptable to do it to a bereaved parent either.
We need to break this taboo.
We need to keep talking.
It isn’t catching, but it will save a life.
Melody and Me