Tag Archives: October

purpose

Purpose. Capture Your Grief 2018

 

Introduction

 

Day Two of the Capture Your Grief Project. Today is about sharing why I am doing the Capture Your Grief project. From the beginning – 2012 was the first Capture Your Grief project, I was also in the first months of being a bereaved Mum. I wasn’t sure what I was doing with it, but it soon became a good resource to speak openly about the loss of our daughter. I had many people read them, it seemed to help other people understand a little bit of what I was feeling at the time.

I used it as an excuse to openly talk about her, like I had permission to do so. I always say the previous year will be my last; last year I didn’t complete it.

 

Purpose

So, 6th year for me. As I didn’t complete last year’s I am determined to complete this year. But I also know not to beat myself up for not completing it.

My purpose for Capture Your Grief this year is to continue talking and sharing our daughter. I would like to raise as much awareness as I can through this project, for the support group I run and most importantly to talk more about the babies who live but then die.

A lot of the awareness for baby loss is focussed on the babies who don’t live past pregnancy, which is fantastic. But when you see messages, poems which include just these babies it makes babies like mine feel less important. So, my purpose is to keep talking, reconnect with parts of grief; with parts of love that I have forgotten.

Baby loss isn’t just one month, it is forever, whether you chose to talk and remember or not. I think people who have never experienced that often forgets that any type of grief can last a lifetime; but of course, with losing a child it is a lifetime we also lose.

 

See you tomorrow.

xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.facebook.com/CarlyMarieProjectHeal/

Capture Your Grief - Sunrise

Sunrise. Capture Your Grief 2018

Introduction

Today marks the first day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. It is a chance to speak openly and share experiences; to break the taboo that is baby loss.

This is a project put together by fellow bereaved Mother – Carly Marie, a way to share thoughts on baby loss, sharing our babies and raise as much awareness as possible. I have once again decided to give it a go; I didn’t complete last year’s – it was the first year I didn’t complete it. So, I will take one day at a time.

 

Carly Marie - Capture your grief 2018

First of The Month

The first of each month is always a reminder of the anniversary of loss, the first of the month when you’re excited for what’s to come as events move closer. In 2012 we had a discharge date of May 2012; it was our goal, what were all clinging on to – leaving the NICU behind us. Early April 1st of the same year I remember getting a couple of excited text messages stating she’d be “home next month”; we were all so excited, only a month to go.

Little did we know that after these messages were exchanged and that when we reached the hospital that morning, everything would be different. That May would come and go, a discharge date would just be a day in the month that only we would remember.

April 1st, she died. October will always be the half way point, six months since – six months until. I remember hitting six months, it seemed like such a significant time which had passed; yet felt like no time had passed at all. Wondering how we were going to get through each day, let alone another six months with Christmas and her birthday during the following six months.

 

 

Sunrise

I remember waking up from the first longest night after she died. My eyes were closed, but I hadn’t slept. Everything about my body felt heavy, weighed down desperately hoping to know that I had been asleep, and it was all a terrible nightmare. It was strange knowing there was a sunrise, yet our daughter had only just died the day before; it didn’t seem right, none of it did.

That year we had a heatwave during the whole time she was alive. When she was born Spring had arrived with her, she had brought glorious sunshine; there is stayed until her funeral. I got sunburnt in March and was wearing vest tops and flip-flops. Beautiful weather, it made our trips to the NICU bearable, dreaming together of what our sunny days would be like once she left, how she’d love playing with her brother and sister.

Just a couple of weeks prior to her death, she was able to feel the sun on her face through the window, she wasn’t keen, but we knew one day she would love it. That was the only way she ever felt the sun on her face, no and between her toes; or an ice cream by the sea.

 

sunrise

She never witnessed a sunrise.

Capture Your Grief 2017 – Sunrise

Capture Your Grief

 

cyg

Capture Your Grief Project 2017 By Carly Marie

 

Here we are again, with this annual Capture your grief project; once which I first joined back in 2012.

A project which helps bring the taboo of baby loss to the front of people’s minds, how many of us are effected by the loss of a baby or child.

My project is in memory of Melody, but I will also be mentioning my pregnancy losses too.

Sunrise

There isn’t much of a pretty Sunrise where I am today; there rarely ever is. It is grey and miserable looking out there.

The day she was born, back in February 2012 the sun shone, it was a beautiful spring day from what I could see from my bed. From that day onwards the sun remained until not long after her death; once her “celebration” had finished it rained for pretty much days afterwards.

When we spent days in the town in which her hospital was, we’d walk to the shops I would get sun burnt in March, I was wearing vest tops and flip flops. It seemed bizarre that we had this glorious weather so early on in the year.

 

Days

We have had 2009 sunrises without her, 2009 days where we haven’t kissed her warm face, touched her warm skin, given her a cuddle. Seeing it written down as days, it seems such a long time ago; today it is five years and six months since we walked into the hospital and left different people, yet we hadn’t had surgery or an accident. We had watched our daughter die.

Different

 

Nothing was going to be the same again. Though we didn’t expect how different we would be, how different people would be too. Meeting new friends, losing old friends, this tiny five week old baby had changed everything.

 

Capture Your Grief Sunrise

 

Melody and Me

 

Capture Your Grief 2017.