When we walked out of the hospital after the death of our daughter – Post-neonatal death; I never expected to spend the years afterwards in what feels like a fight or flight mode. Nearly everywhere we turned there was nothing, and I have said this many, many times. I think I have repeated this, because I cannot get my head around how little support there is for babies who lived, then died, the ones who never came home.
I have searched for statistics, for facts for something for us to fit in. Yet there’s almost nothing. It is bloody lonely.
Where exactly is it we fit in? I know people can’t help it, because I guess babies who are older than 28 days are more than likely to live – or are they?
I feel as though I am on a losing battle, talking about her. Even if I screamed in my biggest voice, would I ever get listened to? I know I do in a way; because people tell me so. But in a way to make change, to make neonatal and post-neonatal losses heard, to make their statistics drop.
If I have to be a bereaved Mum I at least want to fit in, to feel less alone. Can you imagine what it feels like to be told that when your baby dies, there seems to be a cut off for support, because she was too old? Or that we were bumped off or down the list? To have a session where not only was it in the G.U.M clinic (sexual health), but the person listening wasn’t massively interested in talking about our loss; but had an opinion about falling pregnant again afterwards.
I have so much I feel I want to achieve. I have let fear get in my way since 2012.
Our daughter was born due to HELLP syndrome, a severe form of Pre-Eclampsia, a condition that is quite clearly STILL under researched – When I say clearly I mean being told by two different midwives that you don’t get pre-eclampsia before 28 weeks, the second time being after the death of our daughter (she also stated that you don’t get it twice). It can kill.
I want to help. (There have been in talks about case studies).
I suffered Hyperemesis throughout each of my pregnancies, each getting worse the more babies I had. Another under supported condition, a condition that leads women to abort, commit suicide or die from malnutrition, (a contributing factor to the death of Charlotte Bronte). That and living with mental and health issues afterwards
I will help.
Melody died at 35 days old, she died from overwhelming sepsis. 35 days. Post-Neonatal Death.
She had a good chance of coming home, but she didn’t.
I want to help lower the mortality rates of these babies. I want to show their parents that they really do matter; to be recognised more.
I hoped by setting up Little Daffodils that I helped a little in making that step towards supporting people, making sure people are never left alone.
There is so much I want to do, but have no idea where to begin. I want to change so much, the maternity services, the bereavement services. I would like throw the text books out of the windows and burn them, because no BODY is the same. Women and families should not be treated as such.
Tonight I feel a little angry at the world, and how cruel it is to feel essentially thrown out into the cold, when all we ever wanted was the warmth that we watched others have*.
I need to now figure out the next step.
But maybe when I feel less angry.
Ideas are welcome, links to places I can contact. I want to do more.
*I was lucky to have online forums, people slate the online community a lot, but if I hadn’t had them I honestly do not know where I would have been.
Thank you for reading.