Tag Archives: life after loss

little daffodils

Together For Yellow – Letter To Melody

Dear Melody,

It’s me, your Daddy.

We miss you.

There isn’t a day goes by that we don’t think of you, especially recently. 

Mummy might not have told you, because it terrified her, but I was ill some months ago, admitted to hospital and everything.  It was the same illness that took you from us, Sepsis.  I got it in my leg, no thanks to the NHS, and nearly lost it, potentially even worse. 

Being in that hospital brought so many bad things to the front, having to stay in the same place that we lost you.  Especially for nine days!  Whenever I went for a walk, especially down to the food court, I’d always find myself looking over at the restaurant where me and mummy used to have a dinner or sandwich.  At one point, I stopped and just stood and stared in the direction of the NICU, where you lived.

It screwed me up when they informed me the day I was discharged that it had been Sepsis, the very thing that took you from us.

It was almost like that day we lost you.

I think at that point I hated them, I can’t explain why as such.

But everything flooded back, seeing you on that bed that last time, the staff upset, the doctors apologising.  I had nightmares when we got home, couldn’t face sleeping in case I saw that again without the control of being awake.

And I hated the NHS for what they’ve done, to me, to you.

The same goddamn illness.

I hated that place, because the ward I was on was so close to yours.  And then they told me it was Sepsis that I had, and I nearly lost my leg, or worse!  I felt numb like the day after we lost you, barely able to speak, just wanted to get out of that place.  Mummy drove me home, and my head was filled with all those images of you. 

Since then, all of those feelings I had have come back to the fore.  All those times I got pushed to the side because I was “just a dad”, and ignored, and organisations not wanting to help me.  I hated it, and myself, and now it’s all out again.

Since then I haven’t been able to sleep properly, desperate for this illness to go do one. 

And then Kelsi was ill, and blue-lighted to hospital recently.  I’ve taken a week off work, and realised I really don’t want to go back.  I’d rather be at home with mummy and your siblings than go back to that place, to any job involving cooking, but nobody else will have me, and we don’t have the money to do that.

I miss you.

I’m not alright.

Love,

Daddy.

xxxxx

baby loss, grief

Decode – My Life Before

Decode; is possibly a strange one if I am honest. Decode if you don’t know is a Paramore song, it was part of a soundtrack to the first Twilight film.

Different Life

 

I remember picking up the book, just before my first marriage ended – I can’t even remember why I was drawn to it. It wasn’t long after that my marriage broke down that I needed to rediscover who I was. I found it hard, of course then I didn’t really know what a broken heart felt like – I just thought I did. While I scrabbled about to suss out where I would go in life I found comfort in the form of reading, then friends introduced me to the films. I became lost in the hype of the fandom, lost in this new thing that wasn’t associated with my now new life, at a point where I found it really hard to ever believe that anyone would want me. Then he did.

 

Perfection

Once we’d found each other we had that amazing love (we still do, of course). Life seemed relatively uncomplicated; getting to know each other, holding hands all of the time, lots of public display of affection. We found that stereotypical old fashioned love, everything was perfect. We had a new life ahead of us, a fresh start.

 

Decode

Where I think, I am going with this. Today I came across the song again; not heard it in years an in instant it took me back to when we first started dating; to when we were just a normal couple. I had the two children from the marriage before; we’d spend our evenings either together planning a future of marriage and children, or enjoying a social life. Everything about that song reminds me of how our life was before.

That is how I see my life now, before and after Melody. We spent a measly eleven months of our marriage, wrapped up in honeymoon bliss of promise and hope to our new addition to our new life together. Just eleven months, before the people who lovingly took their vows changed forever. Something as simple as a song, can take you back to somewhere completely different from where we are now. When I played this over and over again, or obsessed over the films and the books; I never expected to have this innocent bubble burst. It may sound silly – it probably is – but it was all a completely different time.

 

My Love

I think I will always worry about the impact the death of our daughter has on our marriage, we really were newlyweds; I have never been able to even enjoy looking back at our album or talking about the celebrations (she was conceived at our blessing, which was held three months after our official wedding day); a big black cloud forever lingers around the thoughts of our special days. We have discussed vow renewal maybe one day, but I guess it wouldn’t change a thing – new memories maybe. I am mostly glad we have each other.

 

Walking down memory lane, listening to the songs that take you right there wishing for that life again, the care free with a hopeful new life – it was easy to have that innocence; that bubble.

I just want us not to have been bereaved parents for most of our married life so far; it is what it is. I wish Melody would have survived, that Decode was part of a love story and not that of a soundtrack of our “before” life.

“I chose the title “Decode” because the song is about the building tension, awkwardness and confusion between Bella and Edward. Bella’s mind is the only one which Edward can’t read and I feel like that’s a big part of the first book and one of the obstacles for them to overcome. It’s one added tension that makes the story even better.”

 

— Hayley Wiliams, in a statement posted by Stephanie Meyer.