Tag Archives: Day of Hope

baby loss, grief

Family Holiday Minus One

We always knew that anything we would ever do as a family, would be filled with bitter-sweet emotions that come with knowing that there is a tiny human missing; nothing will ever fill that gap, I guess that part we didn’t really expect, but there is and we cope with that permanent void.

I’m not really wanting to talk gaps, I’m wanting to share a little moment whilst on holiday, which had us all chuckling.

I’ve begun taking a collection of photos to use when I write for Still Standing and for this blog too, something for Melody but without using her photos all the time. Whilst I am “lucky” (definitely wanting a better word), to have so many of them, I worry about repeating them too frequently, especially with the two areas I write in. I don’t have aging photos, so I’ve a prop in the hope I can include her a little more.

We went camping in Oxfordshire, days out – making memories, what better way to begin this project than to start while on holiday.

This one in particular I had placed my prop, ‘M’ onto this rather pretty looking Wishing Well, I have spent many times wishing that things were different, I know nothing will change, wishing is all I have.

I took a step back to capture this frame, as I looked into my camera my youngest daughter – Melody’s sister runs into the shot, she grabs the ‘M’ and throws it straight into the Well, fortunately it wasn’t deep, there was a grate covering the bottom, all the children yelled baby’s name, the prop was retrieved but it made us all laugh, it got me thinking; imagining this prop was replaced with her (I don’t think this by the way, ‘M’ is not Melody, I know I don’t have to justify myself – but still).

I closed my eyes and everything was different.

I imagined this five year old strawberry blonde haired girl, sitting on the wall of the well waiting for her siblings to crowd around her for yet another photo opportunity, only for her little sister to push her in the well. She wouldn’t have been hurt, she’d have been embarrassed, and annoyed for a few minutes, would have shouted at her sister, then the laughing would have begun, the whole picture would have been different, five laughing children, no props just them. It would have been a moment that would have been brought up in conversation about our break away.

But of course, I am here Day Dreaming, it isn’t okay, it is what it is, a day dream. While there is no changing what has happened, and that Melody isn’t here; but I can share this moment of laughter that included all of my children, for the very first time in 5 years 4 months and 23 days I actually felt her with us, I felt like I had five children that day.

I always say I have five children, I have never shied away from having five but the truth in my head has always felt there to be just the four of them, which to anyone looking at us can see. It felt so wonderful, to feel her there with us, it has been something I thought would never come; it is strange trying to bond with someone who isn’t here, to bond with a child who never properly felt like ours in life or even in death over the years. Very difficult to explain fully, because even I can’t quite understand that part.

Not only was a new memory made but I finally feel like Melody’s Mummy.

Melody and Me.

xx

A Day of Hope 2013

To be able to find something so easy and humbling amongst the pain that can effect the day to day of a bereaved parent.
Finding it hard to fit in.
To fit in as a parent, because you lack any confidence.
When all the mum’s/parents get invited to baby/child things, or get support for things, but instead you’re left behind alone….
Not to fit in.
To fit in as a parent post loss because no-one knows how to act around us, in-case we infect them with sadness or death.
To fit in as a parent who has lost, because our story meant our baby didn’t live long enough, or lived for too long.
Limbo.
A Day of Hope for me brings change.
A change to not let these things break me any more.
Lifting the fog of worrying why exactly no-one wants to be around me, knowing whether it’s my beautiful on-line community from afar, or the very VERY few friends I do have are the ones who really matter, it’s just taken losing my daughter to realise this.
So this brings me to the community of people, I’m honoured to have in my life, it’s not just sadness of losing our children it’s the coming together, smiling together, laughing together and sharing our stories together.
With thanks to a woman who inspired me to do my own project alongside hers, thousands and thousands of miles away.
Day of Hope.
Our Prayer Flags
A reflection on just how much  these Angel Mum’s mean to me.
Relaxing therapy!
To know that somewhere a mummy or daddy has a smile on their face because of my little personal project.
I hope that I can achieve and do more, making less of a taboo helping not only other but myself too.
Love to each and all of you.
I want to change.
The black lingering cloud is lightening.
xxx
(I am very happy to add/do more)