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Capture Your Grief

Clear and Let Go – Capture Your Grief 2017

Clear and Let Go

Yesterday there was a rest day in the capture your grief project, so no posting; however I am working on a little awareness post for this coming week to replace.

You see I was going to stop this project. Saturday just gone was going to be my last day; for this year I am not in the place for writing about mindfulness. I said to my husband that I would no longer carry on with it this year. Although I have said this previous years, but that is down to either having our story attacked by people who have nothing better to do, or because it can get really heavy.

I am in a place where I don’t want to be a bereaved mother. This is written about elsewhere, so I’ll try not to talk too much about this for now, as the post won’t be public until next week.

I don’t want to let go of her; but for one day it would be nice to get a baby sitter; for someone to hold my thoughts, hold my love and forget her. Either forget that she existed or forget that she died, that she is alive and well. But I can’t. Don’t Judge Me.

Capture Your Grief

Just like I can’t stop this project, she doesn’t know I am doing it… if she did I wouldn’t be doing it; I probably would have no idea about it either. But I simply cannot let go, I can’t let this year be only half way done. So I will, although my heart is not in it; I will continue.

However I will maybe twist the prompts  a little; I am struggling with the lack of awareness for Neonatal and Post neonatal deaths; for me Capture Your Grief was my way of raising that awareness, through Melody. That her type of death mattered.

So I apologise if I break the rules, but let’s face it the rules are that children shouldn’t die.

Clear and Let Go

One of the parts of today is to have a clear out; well I cleared out our living room last week, made way for a tidier toy corner. Another is to clear out some of my social media.

This.

This time last year, and the year before and the year before; the support from the 2012 project to the very same project today is different. The difference in having people read them, comment and reassure me that our daughter matters, that she is remembered. That we are not alone. The responses have ended up to be none, but I also know that platforms make it difficult to share. And I do know who remembers without being seen.

Social Media and life in general, people want the good bits; when I was initially in the paper a year ago about the book I had written people wanted to know, people I had lost contact with suddenly wanted to speak; people I barely knew wanted to support and be part of the awareness. But now I am just a Mum blogging her way through grief, nothing has changed; I am still post loss. I am still the person I was a year ago. So, I am giving my Facebook, and any other social media a clear out. Not by new friends and acquaintances I have picked up along the way; but those who have become strangers.

People grow apart, that really is life; it is hard; hitting delete on the people who were once like family. But it is normal; people change, people grow, likes and dislikes change.

I think for me I have learned that having such a smaller circle of friends means we can look after each other better, put more trust into one another. In recent years I have found it terribly difficult to trust anyone.

I need to stop punishing myself. I need to find peace.

It is time to let go.

Lyric of In My Veins

Lyrics By Andrew Belle. In My Veins

In My Veins

I’m not going to stop talking about her.

Capture Your Grief

Capture Your Grief 2017 – Rise And Shine Rituals

Rise and Shine Mourning Ritual.

Living with grief. All I ever wanted to do was to live; I wanted to be able to be free to grieve the way I felt comfortable with, to be allowed to talk about this little girl who lived.

I threw myself into needing to help others, I needed to give the support which we lacked, to make sure no one else felt as alone as we did, it was fairly high in my priorities to do this.

But I think my most important ritual was to keep living, to do more things with the children; to allow them to grieve and share their feelings about the death of their sister. As much as my head wanted to stay in bed for days on end, my heart wanted to keep beating to get me out of bed and live for Melody. She had died her heart had stopped beating; I would have to try and find a way of carrying her in mine.

It has been a difficult process; I have never believed she is with me all of the time, or that she is flying around having fun. I watched as they lowered her in to the ground, no amount of fairy tales for me can ever change that. At least it is like that for the children.

 

Grief

I know now five years six months and one day in, that I do need to take care of myself, I do need to work on my grief. I worried too much about how others were feeling, about protecting their feelings; my early mourning was taken away, I watched as friends needed to have help because THEY couldn’t cope with her death, how family were tired of receiving cards and sympathy messages about the loss of OUR daughter.

The person that I am tried to help mend hearts that were broken, I needed to be strong; I always thought if I was strong then the people around me would know that it is okay to now be okay.

I cried, of course I cried, but I apologised for it too; maybe that is the “British Way”. Who knows?

But I do know that the grief I have for Melody is an incredible learning curve; yet no matter what I do, or how I behave there is no right or wrong answer.

This month I will be a little mindful of myself; adopt new rituals which will help me and my little family.

 

Today, my regular ritual is keeping my heart beating; making the best memories I can for my beautiful children.

 

Melody and Me

 

Day One

Capture Your Grief 2017 – Sunrise

Capture Your Grief

 

cyg

Capture Your Grief Project 2017 By Carly Marie

 

Here we are again, with this annual Capture your grief project; once which I first joined back in 2012.

A project which helps bring the taboo of baby loss to the front of people’s minds, how many of us are effected by the loss of a baby or child.

My project is in memory of Melody, but I will also be mentioning my pregnancy losses too.

Sunrise

There isn’t much of a pretty Sunrise where I am today; there rarely ever is. It is grey and miserable looking out there.

The day she was born, back in February 2012 the sun shone, it was a beautiful spring day from what I could see from my bed. From that day onwards the sun remained until not long after her death; once her “celebration” had finished it rained for pretty much days afterwards.

When we spent days in the town in which her hospital was, we’d walk to the shops I would get sun burnt in March, I was wearing vest tops and flip flops. It seemed bizarre that we had this glorious weather so early on in the year.

 

Days

We have had 2009 sunrises without her, 2009 days where we haven’t kissed her warm face, touched her warm skin, given her a cuddle. Seeing it written down as days, it seems such a long time ago; today it is five years and six months since we walked into the hospital and left different people, yet we hadn’t had surgery or an accident. We had watched our daughter die.

Different

 

Nothing was going to be the same again. Though we didn’t expect how different we would be, how different people would be too. Meeting new friends, losing old friends, this tiny five week old baby had changed everything.

 

Capture Your Grief Sunrise

 

Melody and Me

 

Capture Your Grief 2017.

melody and me logo

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Twenty Six Community

Day Twenty Six of Capture Your Grief 2013 – Community.
The baby loss community is so important to me,
I feel so proud to know such inspirational families.
To get up in the mornings and smile, is inspirational enough.
and have mentioned before the support I have found within it.
So today I am going to share a piece I wrote for a blog
lossthroughthelookingglass.blogspot.co.uk
I felt this is our community all over

The Secret Superheroes 

I don’t remember chasing a funny white rabbit, 
Neither did I fall down a magical hole;
Entering a dream that is undoubtedly never ending.
The Muggles versus the Wizards.
Superman and Clark Kent.
Bruce Wayne and Batman.
The Mother versus the Bereaved Mother. 
Only the final one didn’t give me Super Powers,
Our poison isn’t as simple as Kryptonite.
And we certainly can’t hide behind a cape and costume.
Like The Superheroes we have to be careful who we reveal our secrets to.
 
We’re not deadly.
But somehow we come across as terrifying
Though we don’t get given a wand 
Or even lessons on how to use our “powers” 
But we’re expected to know how to use them.
Our magical powers is living
With child sized hole in our hearts.
Expected to read minds,
To know who we can speak to, 
How far we can take the conversation. 
Is it easier to say 3 or 4?
Who am I trying to save?
Save people “normals” from the entirety of a pain,
But saving them by raising awareness so they never have to 
Endure this journey.
 
You could say we’re The Avengers 
No two parents’ loss is the same
But we all have the power to save
The strength to break the thick wall of silence
Our magical power is
Breathing
 
xxxxx
community

Source: Google

Thank you for reading.