Tag Archives: Baby loss

little daffodils pregnancy and infant loss support service

Together For Yellow – Charity Awareness.

charity towards tomorrow logo

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week

This week remembers and spreads awareness about the babies and children who have passed away. I have always been open and honest about my grief journey; my thoughts after Melody died. I don’t really need this single week to do so; however it gets people thinking, it gets people talking, it brings the taboo to the forefront of people’s minds. In the hope that one day the taboo will be a distant memory. We have a long way to go.

When we walked out of the hospital after Melody had died; it became apparent from very early on that the support as a whole for bereaved parents really is few and far between; even more so with Melody’s death. Leaflets, awareness, even charities concentrated on a few scenarios; which of course is amazing, the more awareness the more chances women and professionals will be able to reduce the rate of death. But it can leave parents like us feel alone, pushed out and even more isolated.

Charity

From the first few days I took to online support; but knew I wanted to help more; there’s so much more I want to do. I decided that I would like to try and get a group together. It was something I felt was missing. I ended up contacting Mel Scott of Towards Tomorrow Together, a charity who supports families who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, babies with poor prognosis in utero and they included us. So essentially all losses, nobody gets excluded.

Little Daffodils was born; although it was originally named Melody’s Voices I came away from a prestigious baby loss event in 2016 – The Butterfly Awards and knew that giving support and making a difference was so much more than doing something in her name, and in her memory. Daffodils are the flowers for us who represent Melody but they give so much colour, but only live for a short time. I really want to make a difference; sometimes it can feel like I am hitting a brick wall; others when people message for support and then say thank you, I know something must be doing.

Towards Tomorrow Together provide Butterfly Boxes to hospitals to help families create memories in the short time after a baby or child has died. Unfortunately it isn’t something we personally received (back to the lack of support), but they do bring comfort to families who have to leave without their beloved children.

Education

Through the death of her own baby, Mel has worked tirelessly to raise awareness, put together educational sessions – I have even spoken at one; and in the midst of putting one together myself, with the help of Mel.

It is difficult to get across to professionals the real thoughts and emotions behind losing a baby; through textbooks there should be a time limit. There isn’t.

This Somerset run charity works a lot from fundraising, this year Little Daffodils as a team has made £1900 with various fundraisers.

There is so much more to do within the baby loss community, especially for infant loss awareness; it will take more than a week out of a year to achieve it, but we do need to keep talking, keep listening most importantly to not let any parents – Mums and Dads feel alone and unsupported. Their – our babies mattered.

She wasn’t “just” a baby. She is ours; she was here for five weeks. She is Melody.

Julz.

baby loss

Please Help Me To Understand. The Taboo

A taboo…In the grand scheme of things I am still really new to being a bereaved Mum, I’m still learning. Five years and five months since she took her last breath. Death lasts forever, it happened before her and of course since. In the bigger picture of being a bereaved Mum I am only an infant.

Society

I struggle to make sense of how society is a round baby (child) bereavement. The poor support, the boredom from people who don’t fully understand; the minimal timescale that society thinks a bereaved parent should be over it. If I were to say to a widow, “Isn’t it about time you were over that by now.” Or if someone had said to me, “At least you have your Mother, she can always marry again…” In response to the death of my Dad, I’d most likely have shouted them down if they had.

Disrespectful, downright rude. Yet if you lose a baby, in any way; the babies who never get to stay, I had to hear “At least she didn’t come home.” Or “At least you have other children.” People can be very unkind.

Why did all become such a taboo?

When did is become acceptable to attack a grieving parent? In history the dead (BBC website)-  ESPECIALLY children were remembered and respected in these photos. Staged photo with the dead to make memories, before the final goodbyes were seen as a mark of respect. Infant morality was a lot higher then too.

But why the change?

Friends share their babies who have never take a breath, photos are all the memories they have; but are then told to hide them away in inappropriate ways.

Acceptable behaviour

But in today’s society this behaviour is deemed acceptable. The attitudes of “We don’t want to see or hear about that.” It’s harmful. My own photos have been attacked by strangers, my photos only included her in life. It is harmful to the parents, harmful to the parents who want to make a change, harmful to medical research to try and change the mortality statistics. Because let’s face it there are still far too many babies and children dying who shouldn’t be.

I have donated to many charities in my lifetime from health related ones, animal welfare, refugees. If I can I will. The community spirit in all of the above is how it should be. But you mention baby loss people may as well run for the hills, just recently an acquaintance had a lip curl and even a slight snarl because I had mentioned my daughter, my dead daughter.

We do notice the awkward fidgets by the way.

Awareness

Talking about these babies, children not only make parents feel less alone but it brings awareness, can ultimately save babies lives or simply open up opportunities for people to be properly supported.

Millie’s Trust came about because Millie died, her parents using her memory have gone on to save hundreds of other from the heart ache they endure.

Maison’s Memory because a little boy died from an accident, now his parents work closely to help with safety measures to keep other babies and children safe.

Towards Tomorrow Together, again because a baby died, and now his parents help give resources to other parents going through the same.

These are just a few reasons why Baby Loss should never be a taboo. I know people get really annoyed and fed up with me speaking openly about you girl, about her death.

It is how I chose to deal with our loss. But most importantly it is because she is MY GIRL, our daughter.

Melody, herself has changed a procedure at the hospital, the R.O.P test, she has changed how quickly sepsis should be treated, and making sure extra staff or more appropriate staff are on in the evenings and weekends. The death of my girl did this, talking about our girl did this.

Understanding

So, please tell me.

Why is it so disgusting to speak and share about our babies?

Why do people think it is okay to be so insensitive to bereaved parents; to insult our babies?

I do understand that it is difficult to speak to someone who is going through such a loss but if you don’t find it acceptable to question a widow, or someone who has lost a parent or even a pet, particularly about replacements and moving on.

Then it isn’t acceptable to do it to a bereaved parent either.

We need to break this taboo.

We need to keep talking.

It isn’t catching, but it will save a life.

Melody and Me

Turn Yellow For Little Daffodils Week

little daffodils

 

Little Daffodils is a pregnancy and infant loss service, which provides group and online support, as well as face to face to anyone who finds a group environment difficult. We also supply sibling memory boxes and offer a stay and play session for children who have lost a sibling, so parents can gain support with those who understand.

Little Daffodils Awareness

This year we have decided to give Little Daffodils a much-needed boost, with various fundraising events to help extend the services which we provide. With this in mind, we are launching a week-long campaign to raise much-needed awareness for our fantastic network, by introducing a “Turn yellow for Little Daffodils” week.

This will run from the 19th February to 26th February, with a wave of light on the 26th.

We will be raising awareness of all losses, including various stories of loss and hope; sharing their precious babies.

We will share the services we provide; as well as information to help prevent women from the heartahe of losing their beloved baby. Plus signpost information about what happens when your baby dies, and what there is to offer. Small things, which can hopefully make a huge difference.

We would love to include your story; whether it is one of your babies who couldn’t stay, or how you come to meet the baby after. Sometimes the greatest power is knowledge; knowing about the conditions which take them from us can empower us to ask more questions.

This will be shared across Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

You can find pictures here, should you wish to turn yellow in suport of our first campaign.

I hope you can join us. Stronger together.

#togetherforyellow

#littledaffodilsawareness

baby loss, grief

Burning Out and Healing

I’m not entirely sure where I am heading with this; so please bear with me. I am fully aware that to some this is probably not a problem and that people are going through worse things right now. But I am struggling.

Burnt Out, tired, heavy-hearted – nothing is ever the same.

Christmas 2018, the turning point for me. I love Christmas, even the first year as being a bereaved mother I still wanted to soak up the magic, savour every beautiful moment. But this last Christmas, I was there but felt nowhere near there. It was the first Christmas for many, many years that we had social plans I was able to spoil the children a little; to anyone looking in – to me, it looked perfect.

But I also felt numb, I don’t even know why; I began to feel heavier and heavier until I guess I had lost all feeling and was just going through the motions.

After the new year, days into the new year resolutions are thought of; plans being put together for another wonderful year of memories. One thing on my list is to be happy. Then I was hit, hit with the sadness stick, that sadness stick I get every bloody year as January hits because February is her birthday, the countdown begins. It was this that made me tearful, as I do every January, grumpy as I do every January “another year without her.”

Days into the new year I find myself telling my husband, the father of our dead daughter, that I no longer want HER in my life. I don’t want or care for being a “bereaved” mother. It’s shit, it more than sucks – sucks every bit of life out of me. A life sentence, I guess. (If you question the need for that sentence, you may not fully understand this post).

I am more than a bereaved mother – I am a Mother, a wife, a friend, a student and employee.

What kind of mother doesn’t want their daughter in their life anymore?

It’s the constant battle of guilt, love, and pain. Trying relentlessly to keep her memory alive, but who for? Sometimes it feels like nobody is listening anymore.

Fundraising right from her death, now a support group, which the group is a wonderful achievement, but sometimes – just sometimes I wish I didn’t do it alone or feel I must try and compete. It wasn’t what it was meant to be about.

And I am just causing myself pain.

I’ve never been in a coma; nor do I know much about them. But watching an episode of a TV show of a guy who had been in a coma for 16 years, to wake up and his family had moved on, nothing is the same.

Since I spoke to my husband and a friend who understands; it is like I have awoken. I don’t have this crazy amount of energy, but it feels like I have been asleep for nearly seven years and woken to change, family changes; different friends, old friends are gone, making new friends. Kids which have grown, but I feel like I have missed so much. Everything seems unfamiliar, not knowing entirely who I am.

We never asked for any of this. I never wanted her out of my life, my own child. But she is, the painful thing, the painful truth is that no matter what I do – there is NOTHING I can do to bring her back or stop being her mum. I need to live, not survive – I’m not a victim. I need a life.

Now I must rebuild and heal.

Relationships have I understand broken, moved on. But that also means I need to stop questioning people’s choices, stop blaming myself for every little mistake when relationships break down.

I need people to know that I really am not a bitch, that I am working on rebuilding the person I was before – okay maybe that is optimistic, as I can’t fully remember our life before; but I was a newlywed. I married my soulmate, I am so lucky that he is the ONE person to not walk away or expected anything other than love from me.

Most importantly it is bringing the fun back to motherhood, I always wanted to be a mother. That is what I am.

I am a Mum first. Melody is just a part of my story; I miss her – but I miss living that little bit more. (Don’t judge me). I’m afraid of being miserable for the rest of my life.

I will always love her because she will always be my daughter, she will always have a birthday and an anniversary. I will still say her name.

But I have to LIVE the weeks before those dates, and not simply exist.

 

I know I have pissed people off and hurt others, I am not the person I was; I probably never will be. I am sorry for that. I am trying.

As they say, you can’t sip from an empty cup.

Just be patient with me, I don’t expect it to be easy, sit with me in the dark, while I find the light. Because this past year I have laughed and lived so much, that I know there is so much more to me than pure darkness.

That is all I ever wanted, love, laughter, and happiness.

 

capture your grief

Today. Capture Your Grief

Where am I in my grief?

Well contrary to what people think we should be, I’m still a bereaved mum, I am still grieving.
Life changed, I changed too. Sometimes I think for the worst, while others I think I have changed for the better.

When we were asked about switching off her life support we knew from that moment, nothing would be the same.
I just never expected that once her final breath had faded, our bodies changed too. Broken, battered.

Today it has been six years and three days since that moment of goodbye.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock, from one day a healthy baby to gone, forever the next day.

Today

Today, I got “sideswiped”. Today my grief became so overwhelming, my passion for trying to make sure our daughter will never be forgotten made me feel worthless. I felt heavy and not in control of my feelings. I felt like shit today, like nothing I ever do will be enough. Frustrating at not being heard; being made to feel repeatedly that our daughter, her life and her memory doesn’t matter enough to be heard.

I hate how this type of grief catches you, so off guard that you could be on top of the world one minute; then the next you can barely breathe. Nothing seems to compare; after my Dad died, it never felt like my soul had been broken. I could stop take a moment, and then carry on. I no longer visit his grave, because I know he isn’t there, he is around us.

Melody, she is where she lies, I don’t feel her around me – I hate that too.

Today everything went dark, everything felt heavy. Today I begun this post with good intentions of how far into this journey I am, that I can face the day; that being six years down the line I can’t breathe.

 

But today has been shit.

guest post

Guest Post Submissions

Once again I am opening up a corner here for October Guest  Post Submissions. I am running a series of posts throughout October – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

Last year I opened it just for Neo and post-neonatal deaths.

This year I would like to open it up to anyone who has lost an infant; included during and shortly after birth. You may not want to specifically share your baby, your story but maybe raising awareness of how you come to lose your little one. I, for one never knew babies could die of sepsis even before leaving the hospital; I had always thought it was an infection you pick up going about your daily business.

Maybe you have a letter to your little one or something you want to say to the world.

I would like to run a mini-series to run alongside to include grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings of children lost. Looking at a different perspective of losing such a young relative; or watching your family member go through such pain and maybe feeling helpless.

 

Special Information

  • Submissions are open from 14th August 2018 – 14th September 2018.
  • Posts should be a minimum of 300 words
  • You can add a photo if you wish
  • All gestations welcome
  • All ages welcome
  • I will link back to any blog if requested.
  • I will share on my social media outlets
  • If you wish to stay anonymous then please let me know.
  • I will schedule the posts from October 1st

Mums, Dads, Grandparents, Siblings, Aunts/Uncles who have lost a child, grandchild, brother/sister, niece/nephew.

Having an understanding of such a complex type of grief can be so difficult, leading to feelings of loneliness.

For one month, I am aiming to bring not only awareness of baby loss in general, but to bring people together in their grief. It is incredibly hard to understand something when you’ve not been through it.

 

If you would like to add something then please email me

melodyandme35@gmail.com

We’re in this together.

baby loss, grief

International Friendship Day – Community

Today is international friendship day, friends are an important part of human relationships. When something so devastating happens like the death of a baby, you fully expect to have the support of your friends around you. To lift you up when all you see is a heavy darkness. But what happens when that expectation isn’t met, and all you hoped for in a friend turns out to be quite the opposite.

Dark Days

There were many, many messages of sympathy from friends, from family and acquaintances. But when the real support of friends was needed, these turned into empty offers. As we walked down the street, we watched as people who had just offered “support” cross the street. It was obvious, as there have been times where they’d cross back after passing. What had we ever done, to not only lose our child but have people avoid us as if we were contagious. It all felt incredibly unfair.

 

Online

Many, many years ago it was believed that anyone you met on the internet would be weirdos, murderers or just generally hideous people. That attitude for me lessened when I met my husband through online. When pregnant with Melody I was poorly with Hyperemesis and suffered from Ante-natal depression; both making it difficult for me to leave the house. It isolated me completely, it certainly wasn’t an ideal situation. I found solace on a birth board – May 12, and then eventually Facebook splinter groups; they became my home, my safe place to post and be. We would all speak most days, and always check in after appointments, share the good, the bad and the ugly. It was lovely. Other Mums before me lost babies too, everyone came together; it was what we did. Lit candles, and held each other up.

When Melody was born early, there were a couple of us with premature babies, we would each share our fears, and share how well our babies were doing, it was a real community. I do miss it.

Then just like that, she was gone.

 

Different Corner

Their love and support continued, and I will always, always be so grateful to the Mayflowers (I named my book after them) and Baby Talk. They will never understand how much their friendship and support meant to me, in the weeks after she died; I really will never forget that. They were kind enough to club together and got us a memory box. One lady is my children’s God Mum, having lost her own baby, she became my rock.

As posting on the birth boards became more and more harder, I stepped back and found the corner of Babycentre nobody ever wanted to see; dark and ugly – yet with so many joining each day there was never a chance to build cobwebs. And that’s the painful thing, that baby loss is not rare.

I found support on PAIL, and have ‘met’ some incredible people, who have helped me, and in return, I hope I have helped them too, by helping them it inspired me to set up Little Daffodils.

Through PAIL I met another close friend – my internet weirdo..

 

International Friendship Day

I want to celebrate and thank all the people mentioned above for carrying some light, for helping to make the early days more bearable. Because without you all, I don’t know where I would be, I may never have met some of you, but please know you mean the world to me, and you are all Melody’s aunties – her family. Thank you for never letting her down.

Albus Dumbledore Quote

 

 

baby loss, grief

End of the school year

The further away from the initial death you go, the less milestones you think you will come across. But truth be told, I think there will always be something which will connect your baby and the things they should have been doing. September 2016 should have been the year she started school, out of all the milestones to reach; I had assumed that would have been the last one – at least until secondary school starts. But there will always be something.

Sports Day

These next few weeks up and down the country (UK), parents are heading out to watch sports days, or eagerly waiting for the day to finish learning how the day went. The children from Reception classes excitedly taking to the field; looking out for their Mummies and Daddies, in the hope to catch a wave.  Fresh yellow P.E kits, tiny bean bags and hoops are spread around the area, ready for the games to begin, lines painted perfectly ready for the young runners to begin their races.
Children’s names being called around the field, cheers echoing across as their child nears the finishing line, louder squeals for the ones who come first, encouraging voices for the ones who come last.
It dawns on me, that some of these children are at the age of which Melody should have been, the friends she could have made, the Sports Day she was meant to be at.
Another ‘first’ that she has not done; another event from which she is missing.
Another day where life just goes on, a day for quiet reflection, thoughts to how she would have been during the day.
Would she have been sporty? Which part would she have enjoyed? She was feisty during her time she was with us; would that have led her to be a determined winner in the field?
Would she have struggled with the courses?
Would she have been embarrassed by her parents calling her name?
Or would she have loved the attention?

Another missed photo opportunity, as she would have returned to her class room all wet from sweat, hair falling out of her hair band, happy to have finished or happy to have competed.

I never thought it would be such a big deal.

 

School Report

As the school year draws to a close, parents evenings are to be had, school plays performed, end of term parties, new teachers to be met, school work brought home, reports to read.

I have kept all of their reports and as many of their pictures as I have space for, there have been a lot over the years. No use to anyone but sentimental, in the hope that one day when they get to adulthood, they can giggle over the work they produced during their childhood, you know the pictures of their parents with huge heads and stick men bodies.

This has been another thing that has dawned on me. A missing school report; a document to prove that she would have been at school this year, a story of who she would have been at school. Information about what subjects she may have been good at, or ones that maybe she’d not really enjoyed. To know how much the prematurity would have affected her. As with all very premature babies there’s a risk of slow development, at least slower than their peers, but she never did follow any text book.

All the reports and meetings with professionals; a bit like parents evenings I guess but in the NICU were all great; she was doing above and beyond expectations. I’ll always wonder, or at least this time of year, whether her school reports would have followed suit.

“Melody is a lovely addition to the class; a little headstrong.”

As I wrote about my living children in their fantastic reports and end of term plans, I realise the only new photos of her I can share are of a headstone with new flowers; with the words.

Nothing to report.

Lost celebratory words.
No acknowledgement of a girl who should have been here.
Of a girl who should have almost completed her year in Primary School.

 

Absent – Unauthorised. 
tommys together for change

Coping And Sharing

I think we all cope differently, we can empathise with each other’s stories but the way react can be completely different to the next person. I think that is why child loss is so difficult to understand.

 

When Did You Tell People?

Death was no longer in our daughter’s plan, we had been given a discharge date to go home – we were given hope. So, the morning of her death when we phoned over to them, as we did every day we were told to make our way over to the hospital as she wasn’t feeling very well; we assumed they were considering transferring her to a bigger hospital. We never expected what we walked into that morning.

I used Facebook a lot throughout her pregnancy, I was poorly they helped, so we placed a status asking for positive vibes as they were putting her back on a ventilator. When she died at 9:30 we came outside to inform our close friends and family, but were still receiving get well soon messages; so by 11:30 we decided to announce our daughter’s death on Facebook – basically hit and run just to stop the positive messages coming through.

 

How To Deal With The Return To Work?

I chose not to. I chose to completely walk away from the profession that I had done since I had left school. I couldn’t face doing that job any more, I knew this quite early on; I loved the profession but I was done.

Unfortunately employers aren’t always very sympathetic when it comes to needing time to grieve the loss of a baby, especially if you’re outside of the maternity timescales (either too soon or too late); even more so for Fathers.

Ideally having good communication is a must with management, to ensure that you aren’t rushed back to work or that you lose wages, being in debt can be the final straw when something so devastating happens. Going back too soon could have an effect on your mental health and being able to concentrate on your job role. But also leaving it too late can have the same effect, through avoidance. It is trying to find the right balance, or like me it could be the step to make a big change, for me was to change my career.

 

How To Talk To Family And Friends After Loss

As hard as it is, try to lead them through it. Let them know how much or how little you want to talk. Showing them that crying is okay; that you’re not sick that you are grieving. And at the same time, if you don’t talk or want to show emotion that is perfectly okay too. The people close to you often fear of making your pain worse by mentioning your loss, but often by not mentioning can hurt just as much.

Friends and family can both find it incredibly difficult, and often leave you feeling alone. This often ends up being a secondary loss and can be just as difficult to deal with as the actual loss of a loved one; leaving you questioning whether you’ve done something wrong.

But finding that right support network, will come to mean everything to you, it’ll be something you’ll not forget.

 

What Part Did Social Media Play?

As mentioned before, we announced her death via Facebook. But afterwards the online support for me became invaluable. There is no way I would have gotten to where I am today without them. Finding the right support has been unbelievably difficult because of our situation not fitting the right criteria for the right support. So, turning to online forums (one being a pregnancy and parenting forum) was for me the next best thing. I could avoid people’s avoidances in the street, I made friends.

But at the same time, as much as the online network played a massive part in the healing process, it can make you feel incredibly lonely in your own home community that can slow things down.

 

How Do You Cope With Announcements From Friends And Family Who Are Expecting?

In the very early days, I shut myself away, hiding any pregnancy announcements and updates that I came across, it often felt painful. There were days where I found people expecting girls harder, often boys going home was equally as difficult, as we had been told that because she was a girl, she had a better chance.

Over the years the announcements have gotten easier, but I always have the (silent) niggling worries for all the negative reasons. What I do find more difficult are those who are eager to bring their pregnancies to an end; wishing for earlier babies, trying hard to bring labour on before they’re ready. Even babies who are born when they are ready can be born poorly, and need time in special care. Even after losing Melody, as quick as a few weeks later, I remember people wanting their babies before their time – for me that hurt, as although she was very early, it means her story isn’t teaching enough.

My eldest daughter was born just a few weeks early and needed to go into special care, my son born 5 days early, just about got away with going in.

 

What Advice Would You Give To Someone Who Is Finding It Difficult To Cope And Share Others News?

Find someone to talk to, even if it online. Write your feelings down, get them out that way. You are allowed to feel anger and sadness, but you are also allowed to be happy too. It doesn’t mean you are over your loss, or people see you think you’re all okay not. That balance can be found.

Definitely take one day at a time, there is no rush and it isn’t a race.

tommys together for change

Understanding Emotions. Exploring Grief.

Grief affects people in many ways, each in a unique way to themselves. There isn’t any right or wrong way to grieve the life you have lost. This includes losing a child; we all know it isn’t the right order of life, this is what makes child loss so complex; it is the unimaginable, the unthinkable. No two people’s experiences are the same.

 

What kinds of emotions might you feel after loss, and how do you deal with them?

I think it is hard to fully explain what emotions you feel. I could say I was sad and devastated, but I have felt sadness and what I thought was devastation during my lifetime, neither of them could be associated with the aftermath of our daughter’s death. Neither seemed to match up with the pain that rips through your entire body; yet at the same time leaves you barely standing, but somehow you find the strength to leave the hospital and begin to figure out what the hell happened, and what would be next. You just keep on breathing.

You have to deal with it; there isn’t a right or a wrong way of dealing with such a loss. Many people assume that bereaved parents curl up in a ball and cry all day – so what if they do, if trying to sleep away the pain is a way of making the early days easier, then let them be. This wasn’t something we did, we had to grieve not only for ourselves but for my older two children too; we weren’t free to break in the way people expected to, we had their feelings, their grief to take into consideration.

I know people expected us to hide our loss away, but they had met and spent time with their sister, she wasn’t going to just disappear one day.

Everything about the early days are raw and overwhelming.

 

What are the common triggers for these emotions?

In the beginning, the sheer thoughts and memories of what has happened can be a hard trigger. Going over and over the hours which led to her death and knowing that no matter what thoughts enter your head; there’s nothing that will ever change the outcome. That part takes your breath away – every time.

The milestones which followed her death, especially within the first year but even more so the second year dates too. These are hopes and dreams which had been taken away; a missing child from events or birthdays. Not knowing who they could have become, or how they’d have fitted in within the family setting.

 

How Do You Deal With Grief?

It is kind of like learning to walk again, I am a completely different person to how I was before. It has been the most difficult times I have ever experienced, and hope to never experience such things again. As mentioned before, having the older two children, I had to learn to deal with my grief very early on. I couldn’t break the way I truly felt I needed, even the funeral there was no real room to collapse in a heap and sob loud sobs, to let myself go. I wanted to be strong for them. But at the very same time, we have always followed their lead; allowed their tears, (don’t get me wrong, they have seen me cry on occasions too) allowing them to feel their grief for their sister.

Giving up was never an option.

 

What Effect Did Social Media Have On You?

It became my saviour; I was very poorly during pregnancy and had made friends with people who were due the same time. They supported me throughout the pregnancy, and then continued to do so when she died. Online loss forums were also a lifeline too, it helped me to feel less alone. I felt more comfortable being at home, it was easier than watching friends cross the street or people just completely ignoring you. Social media, made the early days a tiny bit more bearable.

 

What Advice Would You Give To Someone Who Is Experiencing The Complex Range Of Emotions?

Please remember your baby, infant, child has died, there is no at least. Such a loss simply cannot be belittled or swept away.

There is no rush to find the new normal; there is also no pressure to lose your old self either. Take one day at a time, take one hour at a time if you need to; rushing through the grief process can at times set you back. Sadly your baby will always be gone, but self-care is incredibly important to recover enough to function.

Don’t be ashamed to cry, let it out – scream; sob if you need to. It isn’t fair and it should never have happened, babies and children shouldn’t be dying. So, letting yourself go to the emotions is more than allowed.

Don’t give up, you will find peace. One day, maybe not straight away, but you will learn how to cope, you won’t heal; you’ll just know how to make the grief comfortable.

 

There is no timescale.

 

Opening Questions

Tommy’s Together For Change