birthday grief

Then She Was One

Then you were One.

I know you can understand that I am writing this to you. As I sit in bed not wanting to move, tears streaming still wondering, forever wondering why?
Why can you not be sat here ripping the paper to shreds? Chasing balloons?
Because this is what we have…

xx Melody xx

And I know you’re with me all the time, so you know what I am thinking, what I am feeling, how I am dealing with never being able to hold you again…..
You see a year ago today, I became poorly, so poorly I became close to seizing, it was decided that they would take you out rather than you feel me seizing.
The “safer” option.
A 3-minute decision, that left us in a spin….a spin that we would re-live every year on this day…forever. Something as parents are allowed to do, re-live the scarier but seemingly happier times.
That is just what we were achieving that day, your safe arrival. Though early, it would be a safe delivery. We were told you would be safer outside of mummy than in mummy…..
I cried, I shook, I smiled, I laughed, so many emotions in such a small amount of time from leaving the ward I had been accustomed to, to the theatre not knowing exactly what the next few hours would hold.
As I was helped on to the trolley, I could feel myself shaking uncontrollably, unsure of whether either of us would leave the theatre.
Would you be OK?
I lay back as my lower half was beginning to numb from my spinal they had just inserted, the lovely midwife attempting one last trace of your heartbeat, I truly hoped it would carry on once you entered our world.
The room became hot, to match my temperature, so you wouldn’t feel the chill so much, the room filled with a sea of blue, people chatter, the room was filled. The atmosphere heavy.
The only words I could muster were…”Please tell me she’s not sleeping, don’t let her be born sleeping”
The midwife was about to answer, when we heard the tiniest of squeaks coming from your direction and the female Dr saying “She’s definitely not born sleeping, she gave me a kick”
The silence continued, people surrounded you, it felt like hours to be told if you were ok or not, though I know it was only minutes.
1346 you arrived!
Daddy in his scrubs, meeting you while mummy was still in recovery!
first birthday
The absolute pride on his face….
Seeing you next to Daddy’s hand really shows how small you were at birth.
Little Miss fidgety Pants, weighing in at a tiny 1lb 5oz…0.67g!!
Itty Bitty!
I couldn’t wait for the time I would be able to transfer from bed to chair. Because of the emergence of the section, it was taking me a little while longer to wiggle my toes let alone move up the bed!
So instead I was left in recovery attempting to express you 1 ml of milk, ready for whenever you would be eventually ready for it. I was given a woolly boob to help me fathom expressing and the blue handles to help me move! Fun few hours.
I hated the wait to see you, the wonder whether I would actually get to see you alive.
Then finally almost 6 hours after you were born, I had just enough feeling in my legs to be able to get into a wheelchair, of course with the help of John and my midwife!
My first meeting with you, with my hand with TWO cannulas in, or my bionic hand as I had nicknamed it!
Melody and Me
I was absolutely terrified of touching you, I could barely reach over to you with the wheelchair and lines and equipment, but the nurses encouraged me to talk and stroke to you. To let you know mummy was there for you. An absolutely terrifying moment, you were so tiny, so fragile. The ventilator-the smallest one still swamped you. But you looked so peaceful and relaxed. Which was a relief scared me that you could have been hurting in some way?
Though you have your vent here, this has to be one of my favourite pictures of you. So brave. Such a fighter. We knew we had such a long road ahead of you. But you were so worth it.
melody and me
To be told you had a better chance as you were a girl, girls are the fighters…..Too Right! A Feisty little lady, not matching her size at all.
 Melody Caitlyn. You will always light up mummy and daddy’s lives. There is never a day that goes by where we don’t think or mention you.
It has been the most painful 12 months we will ever endure.
Please be proud of your daddy and your big brother and sister, who have been so strong, and never too scared to mention your name.
 Happy 1st Birthday my beautiful baby girl. We will have cake and balloons. Just wish you were here.
The very first birthday, was not what we had imagined.

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