sibling grief

You Have Other Children

What is on my mind…
I felt compelled to put this piece together. Whilst coming across a seemingly harmless article, a person mentioning about a significance of her friend’s loss because her friend already had children, like it almost didn’t matter.
It got me thinking,
My question to this would be – Why Would This Matter?
                                                                                                                                 A death is a death; other children, other family members do not and will not make up for this, in fact at times losing a child when you thought your family was complete, when you thought everything was perfect, holds no words.
Numb could possibly come a little close.
Already having children should never mean “losing” a child should be less of a tragedy. The thing is the grief you have in your own personal being, is added with the grief and the guilt you hold for the children left behind. Our children had met their little sister, touched her, spoken to her. They were told she was coming home, and then she died. So not only our dreams and hopes shattered but dreams shattered in young children, carrying their grief, to pick up their tiny pieces too, while being clueless of your own.
As parents the world is now a cruel and ugly place; but we have to actually mask these feelings and show the children at a young age that the world is beautiful, trying not to take away their innocence, as it’ll be gone soon enough as they hit adulthood.
To be broken; but glued.
To hold them in their tears; while you hide your own.
To show you are still their main hero.
They ask you, Why, when you don’t know this yourself.
When somebody says, “Well at least, you have your other children”
It isn’t helpful, yes we are so, so lucky to have them, but this doesn’t make our daughter’s death, any less tragic, because I “already have children.” Then it doesn’t stop there, we now have our “after” baby, our “rainbow” “You wouldn’t have had her, had your other daughter died”
Well actually yes we would have had,
I hope upon hope that nobody, ever says this to her when she is older.
We’re not ‘better’ because she is now here, we were never ill. Having an ‘after’ baby just enhances, what our dead daughter missed out on, and actually what our new daughter will miss out on too; she will never get to meet her sister.
And one day we’ll have to re-answer the whys all over again.
Every single child is precious; they are a gift and are irreplaceable, no matter how many we are blessed with.
This really isn’t a competition.
There are no winners here.

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