I remember the first time I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test. We had only been trying for a couple of months and I couldn’t believe it would happen so fast. I was scared but so happy and never for a second thought about anything going wrong so 2 weeks later when I went to A+E with red blood I was shocked to be told I had miscarried. I felt like my whole world had broken and remember just wanting to hide away.
5 weeks later I went to ASDA to buy cough medicine and something told me to take a pregnancy test. I did it right there in the public toilets and was so shocked to see 2 lines again. Part of me worried if was false and from the miscarriage even though I’d had negative tests during it. Right from the start Maison gave me a reason, he was our first little rainbow baby and I honestly thought nothing would go wrong again once we got past 20 weeks.
I had a pretty rough pregnancy involving Hyperemesis Gravidarum, gestational diabetes, SPD and pre-eclampsia so i was induced at 37 weeks. I delivered a very healthy baby boy on 6th August 2012. Except for a bit of reflux Maison was a perfect baby. He was happy and cheeky and we were so in love. He loved people and every day with him was a new adventure. I finally felt like I had found my purpose in life being Maison’s mother.
7th March 2013
The 7th March 2013 started like any other day. I went into Maison’s bedroom to wake him up as we were late getting up. I remember going through the door and straight away seeing Maison lying there with bright orange nappy-sacks over his face. There was also a handful around the top of his head. I screamed and the sound of my voice still hunts me. From that moment it’s all a painful blur. I try and remember but it makes me feel sick and dizzy, I feel like I can’t breathe and like I have an actual hole in my chest.
I do remember that I called 999 but I couldn’t do the CPR so my husband Martyn had to take over. I ran into the kitchen and called my Mom who raced over. The next moment my house was full of paramedics desperately trying to save my son’s life. But i knew he was gone, i knew it was too late. Maison was taken to hospital and i went with him in the ambulance. Martyn was kept behind by the police to be questioned.
During this they took items of Maison’s and lots of photos. This meant i was alone in a+e watching a team of strangers desperately trying to save my child’s life. It mean I was alone when they gave me that look and said ‘I’m sorry we can’t do anymore’ it felt like my whole world came crashing down. The pain of being told your baby has died is indescribable and nothing ever fills the hole they leave.
I always thought I could imagine what it felt like to have your child die but honestly it is nothing like it. It is something you will never heal from, it becomes part of you and from that moment you change, you become a different person. We got to have Maison blessed in the hospital and have a final hold. Our family all came so they could say their goodbyes. Walking out of the hospital without him was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life.
I was surprised by all the people who walked out my life when Maison died. People I thought I could count on suddenly wasn’t there when I needed them. I have never felt so alone. I tried different online support but felt I didn’t fit into any of the categories. Maison was too old to be classes as a neonatal death, there was a reason so it wasn’t due to SIDS, there was no illness to blame. His death was just an unlucky accident. Luckily I “bumped” into a bunch of lovely moms online on Babycentre.
They will never know how much they helped me, it was nice to talk to other people who just got it. I know even know years late I can write down how I’m feeling and they will understand. They won’t just reply telling me to speak to a doctor because they know they I can’t be “fixed”
A few months after Maison died I found out that he wasn’t alone. i heard of another baby who died from suffocating on a nappy-sack so decided to start a Facebook page called Maison’s Memory. We researched and found there were many other babies who had died but there wasn’t much warning on them. Nappy-sacks are usually brightly coloured and make a rustling sound so babies find them very attractive. They are made of thin material which easily covers the face and can be sucked down the airways. Nappy-sacks aren’t required by law to have safety holes like carrier bags so are more dangerous.
I started working with RoSPA on their nappy sack campaign and did lots of interviews to tell people about Maison’s story. I faced a lot of backlash from people who left nasty comments and for a while they upset me. They left me wondering if i really was to blame for Maison’s death? In a way they pushed me to do more and educate more people. If we saved 1 life it was worth the nasty comments. While working with RoSPA i was awarded their archangel award 2016 and got to tell Maison’s story to HRH Prince Andrew. I also got to attend a garden party at Buckingham Palace.
Maison’s Memory has now started the journey to become a registered charity. I’ve planned family fun days and online market nights over the last few months raising money to provide free first aid courses to families. I believe all parents and family members should be trained in the basics of CPR. I also focus massively on home dangers for under 5’s so that another family doesn’t face the heartbreak mine has. I want to run at least one course a month and in the future i hope we can do courses for children and courses with creche services so everyone can learn how to save lives.
Thank you Beth for taking part in Melody and Me’s Infant Loss Project