We were never really offered a lot in the way of therapy. There was a Councillor in a dingy part of the hospital, who didn’t want to hear a lot about the loss of our daughter; and was very opinionated about whether or not we should have another baby. It wasn’t helpful, we left feeling confused.
We were then later told that we had been bumped down the waiting list for support, and that they only dealt with miscarriage, late losses, stillbirth and babies up to 5 days old. We were none of these. This was when we first realised that support for us, would be at a loss.
This is where writing came; I have loved it all of my life. But it now gave me a purpose; I had to release what I was feeling somewhere; I needed to not hold in all that I wanted to say.
It hurt so much to not say anything; so writing became my therapy. Although Melody’s writing journey began in the NICU. When you have a baby in hospital that can have very little visitors, the strain it puts on your life; it is hard for people to understand. Your whole life is taken up by splitting yourself into visiting the hospital and being normal for the children you have at home. So I wrote things down, I wanted Melody to read back her journey in the NICU once she was older.
That will never happen.
A Mayflower’s Rainbow
The screen for a long time was my best friend; people in there would listen and would understand exactly what I felt. Releasing in such a public way, to write has helped me. I can cry whilst I write and no-one can see me. I can take my time to get the things I want to express out. I have read some earlier words; they were so raw, I can’t even begin to remember exactly what I was feeling then. I know it was painful. I released A Mayflower’s Rainbow as an indie publication, but I can’t read it. It I unedited and raw; but I can feel the words I wrote, it is too painful to be back there, I know it is coming; I can’t make it stop. So I don’t read it. I have to just nod and agree when people say they have read it.
Writing her name would be another. Every time we go to the beach, or anywhere we are able to write her name we do; to somehow include her. If it is in the sand then we leave her name there, then if and when people see her name they can make up their own mind to who she is. Just like what we do. It is the only footprints in the sand she will ever make.
Melody And Me.