Where am I in my grief?
Well contrary to what people think we should be, I’m still a bereaved mum, I am still grieving.
Life changed, I changed too. Sometimes I think for the worst, while others I think I have changed for the better.
When we were asked about switching off her life support we knew from that moment, nothing would be the same.
I just never expected that once her final breath had faded, our bodies changed too. Broken, battered.
Today it has been six years and three days since that moment of goodbye.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock, from one day a healthy baby to gone, forever the next day.
Today, I got “sideswiped”. Today my grief became so overwhelming, my passion for trying to make sure our daughter will never be forgotten made me feel worthless. I felt heavy and not in control of my feelings. I felt like shit today, like nothing I ever do will be enough. Frustrating at not being heard; being made to feel repeatedly that our daughter, her life and her memory doesn’t matter enough to be heard.
I hate how this type of grief catches you, so off guard that you could be on top of the world one minute; then the next you can barely breathe. Nothing seems to compare; after my Dad died, it never felt like my soul had been broken. I could stop take a moment, and then carry on. I no longer visit his grave, because I know he isn’t there, he is around us.
Melody, she is where she lies, I don’t feel her around me – I hate that too.
Today everything went dark, everything felt heavy. Today I begun this post with good intentions of how far into this journey I am, that I can face the day; that being six years down the line I can’t breathe.
But today has been shit.