Clear and Let Go
Yesterday there was a rest day in the capture your grief project, so no posting; however I am working on a little awareness post for this coming week to replace.
You see I was going to stop this project. Saturday just gone was going to be my last day; for this year I am not in the place for writing about mindfulness. I said to my husband that I would no longer carry on with it this year. Although I have said this previous years, but that is down to either having our story attacked by people who have nothing better to do, or because it can get really heavy.
I am in a place where I don’t want to be a bereaved mother. This is written about elsewhere, so I’ll try not to talk too much about this for now, as the post won’t be public until next week.
I don’t want to let go of her; but for one day it would be nice to get a baby sitter; for someone to hold my thoughts, hold my love and forget her. Either forget that she existed or forget that she died, that she is alive and well. But I can’t. Don’t Judge Me.
Capture Your Grief
Just like I can’t stop this project, she doesn’t know I am doing it… if she did I wouldn’t be doing it; I probably would have no idea about it either. But I simply cannot let go, I can’t let this year be only half way done. So I will, although my heart is not in it; I will continue.
However I will maybe twist the prompts a little; I am struggling with the lack of awareness for Neonatal and Post neonatal deaths; for me Capture Your Grief was my way of raising that awareness, through Melody. That her type of death mattered.
So I apologise if I break the rules, but let’s face it the rules are that children shouldn’t die.
Clear and Let Go
One of the parts of today is to have a clear out; well I cleared out our living room last week, made way for a tidier toy corner. Another is to clear out some of my social media.
This time last year, and the year before and the year before; the support from the 2012 project to the very same project today is different. The difference in having people read them, comment and reassure me that our daughter matters, that she is remembered. That we are not alone. The responses have ended up to be none, but I also know that platforms make it difficult to share. And I do know who remembers without being seen.
Social Media and life in general, people want the good bits; when I was initially in the paper a year ago about the book I had written people wanted to know, people I had lost contact with suddenly wanted to speak; people I barely knew wanted to support and be part of the awareness. But now I am just a Mum blogging her way through grief, nothing has changed; I am still post loss. I am still the person I was a year ago. So, I am giving my Facebook, and any other social media a clear out. Not by new friends and acquaintances I have picked up along the way; but those who have become strangers.
People grow apart, that really is life; it is hard; hitting delete on the people who were once like family. But it is normal; people change, people grow, likes and dislikes change.
I think for me I have learned that having such a smaller circle of friends means we can look after each other better, put more trust into one another. In recent years I have found it terribly difficult to trust anyone.
I need to stop punishing myself. I need to find peace.
It is time to let go.
I’m not going to stop talking about her.