capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2013 Day Eleven Triggers

To be honest I wasn’t sure if I could carry on the next 20 days,
last years project is proving a lot easier than this year.
Which I would have thought would have been the other way around, with it being so saw.
Do I give up?
Do I stay?
I need to do this for Melody, I HAVE to do this for me.
I know this is isn’t helping some, but it is me…..
I am determined…
This has brought up some memories I can tell you!
So I’ll run through my photos for today,
We have
Hic-cups –  
I have a video of this on my computer,
and every now and then I forget it’s there, so browsing through my photos I come across it.
The vaportherm, hissing in the background,
the machines beeping telling us that on that day Melody was behaving.
She even needed her o2 lowering as she was handing her cuddles really well.
This is a picture taken from that day.
There will always be triggers, constant reminder that I should be surrounded by 4 children.
Not something that will go away I guess.
The hospital itself
Driving past the place,
The smell
Just the knowing its there.
It took every bit of strength to go there weekly whilst pregnant with my rainbow
I’d have to cross the road to walk by the unit, then cross back again, so I wasn’t close to it.
The Multi-storey
I parked here having driven the first time down the morning she died.
If we ever have to go to the hospital I cannot park on the bottom floor or the space
makes me feel sick. I’d rather park at the top (which I can’t!).
The 99
As a driver the bus is not something I use a lot, but due to having a section I couldn’t drive
until I decided to the week Melody died.
So now I associate the bus with milk runs, cuddles and happy visits,
with my little boy falling asleep on the bus like a student.
It reminds me of spring and Melody being alive.
Though I did ‘brave’ the bus two weeks ago.
And I shall do it again, even for a nice reminder of Melody.
The butter box
(not the actual box, but similar)
Well this triggers the crappy part.
The part where I have to carry this box with Melody’s red book
bracelet and her photos.
Leaving the hospital with a box of memories and not a car seat with a baby.
A box that was used to supply butter, not even a gentle approach.
It was torn.
This triggers for me that I have a red book and no baby.
No casts
It hurts and we walked away with a broken box,
rather than a screaming baby……
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