We don’t have any of the above. We have her memory box which is extremely private and her photos album, which the children regularly get out, of their own accord, we let them lead with how they deal with losing their sister. They look at the album together.
So I’m guessing my kind of sacred space is my journal.
I began writing it when I became so lonely and a bit of a recluse during my pregnancy with her, suffering with hyperemesis is very lonely.
So my journal became my friend I guess.
Noted my thoughts and feelings about my pregnancy, I struggled to bond with my growing bump, due to the hyperemesis and Antenatal depression, which I will forever regret, I didn’t feel her a lot which at the time was told about having a frontal placenta, little did I know that actually she was struggling.
I love her I just found bonding with her difficult. Until we discovered her gender a few days before she was born, this made me determined that she is my daughter, a little person.
The journal had helped me get through this. It then quickly went from a pregnancy journal to baby journal; the fear of her arrival, the roller-coaster of feelings that was the time spent in NICU. I was hoping one day I would be able to share this Journal with Melody.
But sadly this wasn’t meant to be, it turned into putting down everything with our heartache of losing her. This part of the journal I actually can’t read back to myself, though I know what is coming, what is happening, I can’t read it.
I was going to stop writing it after her celebration but couldn’t bring myself to stop, it makes me feel kind of close to her. And to be honest the heart ache doesn’t end at a funeral.
I am thinking I may take it to a year, the three people who have read it have said I should carry it on. I say a year but I know it’ll never end at a year but the first year apparently is the hardest.
We shall see.
An idea for the front of my Journal xxx