capture your grief

Capture Your Grief 2012 Day Six What NOT to Say

Well where do I start? We really have had some crackers since Melody died. In fact we had some before she died too.
How we were selfish for not making time for anyone else apart from the children, when we literally had no time in between school runs, expressing and hospital runs. Three days after she was born I was told by someone they didn’t want to buy her anything because they didn’t want to jinx her…thanks!!
 Now back to Day 6.
This is just a selection of some of the things we have heard said to our faces.
1. Time is a healer: It’s a well known saying I know, but it’s not ever going to heal or go away the fact we had watch her pass away, time won’t heal that.
Unfortunately for me since Melody was born, with the constant clock watching due to expressing, making sure we had the bus times right, getting back in time for school run, time had become a thing of obsession, gotten worse since she died. Not comprehending that time is/has moved forward without her, it really is a strange feeling. So for me time isn’t healing it’s making it worse, I often wonder what that someone would think if I hit them with a clock!
2.It’s Nature’s way: What let me carry my baby for 6 months, went through trauma of an early section,  give us every bit of hope for 5 weeks, then drag it away like a rug being pulled from under us. Then Nature is nothing but cruel.
3. Oh but she never came home: She may never have come home but she was our 5 week old baby, we spent time with her, fed her changed her bottom, cuddled her, she gave us windy smiles, she wiggled, even cried when she needed her bum changing, but of course because she never came home it means she never existed! 🙁
4. At least you can have more: This and don’t give up trying and better luck next time, were actually said the DAY AFTER Melody had died. Why say it? another will never replace her, she’ll always be my baby number 3.
5.She WAS JUST prem: Why should that make any difference? She didn’t actually die because she was prem.
6.You have other children: Really not helpful. I may have other children but I should have 3 surrounding me. Not only this my husband doesn’t.
7.Are you better?: We’re actually not ill, we’re grieving parents.
8.Is it just THE baby?: Is what just the baby? The fact that we still shed tears, the fact that we still talk of her? Or the fact we’re annoyed because you fail to mention her name?!!!
9.When you get over it: I think this one says it all really, this was said to us before we buried her.
10.(This is one of the most hurtful ones)
People not saying a word. Crossing the street bowing their heads. Point blank ignored! So many people said they would be there for us at her celebration, was nothing but lies.
All we get is “people don’t know what to say” and we do? How about hello! I’m sure it’s still used in this country. We don’t tend to open up to people in the street. We know who we can and can’t open up to.
We really are not contagious! And we don’t bite….honest!!!!

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