What I have learned in Five Years

Five years in the scheme of things doesn’t seem a lot. 
A 5 year old human is still growing, learning and a long way to go before they’re ready to face the world as an individual. They’re so young.
A car which is 5 years old also has so much more going for it, more miles, more adventures. More places to be.
It just isn’t very long. 
But to me five years seems almost like a life time ago, far too long to remember everything about her. 
But if she’d still been here, she would have been almost ‘just’  five years old.
Since April 2012 I’ve learnt so many things, things I never would have imagined learning. 

1. I was told in the beginning I’d never be the same person again.  I didn’t want to believe it, she’d only been here 5 weeks how could she change me, us so much. 
But at the same time why wouldn’t it have all changed us.  You can’t expect anyone to grow a baby, a child love, bond, feed as you would any other baby, for the baby to then die.
To have to decide “what’s best” when removing a ventilator, to watch their life leave them, to organise an event that should only be set for the elderly,  a burial or a cremation for the child you bring into the world.  Tiny coffins and holes in the ground.
It isn’t not going to have lasting effect.  You can move forward to a degree, but you’re just not the same. 
I look at people differently, I have to pick conversations with people, so not to offend them, but mainly to not alienate myself. 
I have to pause when answering parenting questions like how many children I have.
I see the world differently. EVERYTHING changed. 
2. Time is not a healer.  It really isn’t. I’ve section scars that will never go, they will always be there.  We will always be minus one.  For me the further away the harder it seems,for me in particular this 5th year. So many missed milestones, never started school, or had birthday party invitations, not knowing what things she’d have liked, who her friends could have been.  Pictures made with love.  I’ll never be “better” because I wasn’t ill. Time has just added to the crap that goes with all of this. 
3. Grief Tourism exists. The rubber neckers.  The people who only want to know or speak to you due to their own personal nosiness. People who want the grief for themselves, it’s a bizarre thought I know, and I’ve seen it done for adults too,  but those who somehow want a piece of the action, which in turn the grieved ends up being the supporter.  Which isn’t right,it’s not how it should work. It isn’t a sightseeing trip. 
4. It is a complicated type of grief,as I have mentioned before, the grief I had for losing my Grandparents, losing my Dad is so different from the grief I have for Melody.  The first thing I can think of is I could breathe when they passed away, their deaths weren’t easy,  they were incredibly hard, I do think of them at birthdays and Christmas, but Melody’s death, is something, although I speak about so much is not something that is really easy to explain in perfect detail either.  We’ve lost a lot over the years, friends, relationships with family.  Not something you’d expect when you lose a baby, you’d have thought the opposite. But we have gained people too (which you’ll see in a moment).
There’s so many times when your brain wanders back to the time of life, of normality, there’s nothing to stop it, it is a nice time to remember; but then you get to the part where you think you could change things, but obviously you can’t your heart stops for a millisecond for a short moment you’re back to the beginning again.
Nobody truly understands, unless you have / are going through it.
As much awareness, with premature births,  causes people only listen so much.
It’s complicated.

5. Online Support is wonderful.  I’d met my husband online, but never imagined to meet lifelong friends via the Internet too.  Some were from Melody’s pregnancy, when I was suffering with HG unable to face the world, and people didn’t have patience with me either,  the friends behind the screen became my life line.  Together we went through so much, not just my own loss but others too,  then the pregnancies that came after.  When for me once again the HG took hold and they were there no matter what.  This included the women I’d met through bereavement forums too.  Without them I’d have no idea that what I felt was indeed normal, and actually I wasn’t alone in these thoughts.
I will always be grateful to these people,  I’ve met a couple of them, two are God parents to the littlest ones.
I never knew online people would become my people..

Five years is far too long to have last kissed her.
But not enough time to have healed.  Maybe not even forever.  

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