A 5 year old human is still growing, learning and a long way to go before they’re ready to face the world as an individual. They’re so young.
A car which is 5 years old also has so much more going for it, more miles, more adventures. More places to be.
It just isn’t very long.
But to me five years seems almost like a life time ago, far too long to remember everything about her.
But if she’d still been here, she would have been almost ‘just’ five years old.
But at the same time why wouldn’t it have all changed us. You can’t expect anyone to grow a baby, a child love, bond, feed as you would any other baby, for the baby to then die.
To have to decide “what’s best” when removing a ventilator, to watch their life leave them, to organise an event that should only be set for the elderly, a burial or a cremation for the child you bring into the world. Tiny coffins and holes in the ground.
It isn’t not going to have lasting effect. You can move forward to a degree, but you’re just not the same.
I look at people differently, I have to pick conversations with people, so not to offend them, but mainly to not alienate myself.
I have to pause when answering parenting questions like how many children I have.
I see the world differently. EVERYTHING changed.
There’s so many times when your brain wanders back to the time of life, of normality, there’s nothing to stop it, it is a nice time to remember; but then you get to the part where you think you could change things, but obviously you can’t your heart stops for a millisecond for a short moment you’re back to the beginning again.
Nobody truly understands, unless you have / are going through it.
As much awareness, with premature births, causes people only listen so much.
5. Online Support is wonderful. I’d met my husband online, but never imagined to meet lifelong friends via the Internet too. Some were from Melody’s pregnancy, when I was suffering with HG unable to face the world, and people didn’t have patience with me either, the friends behind the screen became my life line. Together we went through so much, not just my own loss but others too, then the pregnancies that came after. When for me once again the HG took hold and they were there no matter what. This included the women I’d met through bereavement forums too. Without them I’d have no idea that what I felt was indeed normal, and actually I wasn’t alone in these thoughts.
I will always be grateful to these people, I’ve met a couple of them, two are God parents to the littlest ones.
I never knew online people would become my people..
Five years is far too long to have last kissed her.
But not enough time to have healed. Maybe not even forever.