baby loss


So today have been hit a little with a trigger that had kind of crept up on me.
Although hard, I’ve gotten used to the hazy Christmases, the completely foggy February, the lead ups and the knowing that April/May have dates that lessen as the days go by. Things I have learned to cope with in my own little way.
Well today at my usual baby group, that I absolutely love, love the ladies, love the atmosphere, completely relaxed atmosphere. As it’s not in the town I live, right at the beginning I decided that I wouldn’t mention Melody, not because I am ashamed or embarrassed in anyway it is just easier, a day where I don’t feel left out or segregated in anyway (not that anyone there ever would).
It is just nice a couple times a month to be ‘normal’ not a lot of mention of Melody or anything else, that some places makes me feel very uncomfortable.
A couple of the mums I have become friends with now know, and I am pleased they know as again they show such empathy and don’t push for anything more. Most importantly K has made friends with babies her age too.
The point.
Well today was the first time in 2 years 1 months and 7 days since I last spoke to Melody’s midwife, the lovely midwife that gave me tea and toast the morning no-one knew she would be born. The Midwife who I begged not to tell me that she was born sleeping.
The midwife whom when we last spoke to her… Melody was coming home.
Seeing and hearing her brought so much back, her happy smile when she confirmed that Melody had been born kicking and squeaking.
I could feel some kind of emotion, but let it slide, I never mentioned Melody to her, just my knowledge, that although hard it was nice (although probably unknown to her), to be in the same room as somebody who had ‘known’ Melody, who had seen her being born, who reassured us greatly that day.
A trigger that was sudden, unplanned; but successfully pushed down, so that I can still remain normal (and incredibly loopy) mummy who enjoys and is thankful to the ‘meet’ for allowing me to feel ‘normal’
Today is a day I have missed Melody and have still been able to smile.

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