Decode; is possibly a strange one if I am honest. Decode if you don’t know is a Paramore song, it was part of a soundtrack to the first Twilight film.
I remember picking up the book, just before my first marriage ended – I can’t even remember why I was drawn to it. It wasn’t long after that my marriage broke down that I needed to rediscover who I was. I found it hard, of course then I didn’t really know what a broken heart felt like – I just thought I did. While I scrabbled about to suss out where I would go in life I found comfort in the form of reading, then friends introduced me to the films. I became lost in the hype of the fandom, lost in this new thing that wasn’t associated with my now new life, at a point where I found it really hard to ever believe that anyone would want me. Then he did.
Once we’d found each other we had that amazing love (we still do, of course). Life seemed relatively uncomplicated; getting to know each other, holding hands all of the time, lots of public display of affection. We found that stereotypical old fashioned love, everything was perfect. We had a new life ahead of us, a fresh start.
Where I think, I am going with this. Today I came across the song again; not heard it in years an in instant it took me back to when we first started dating; to when we were just a normal couple. I had the two children from the marriage before; we’d spend our evenings either together planning a future of marriage and children, or enjoying a social life. Everything about that song reminds me of how our life was before.
That is how I see my life now, before and after Melody. We spent a measly eleven months of our marriage, wrapped up in honeymoon bliss of promise and hope to our new addition to our new life together. Just eleven months, before the people who lovingly took their vows changed forever. Something as simple as a song, can take you back to somewhere completely different from where we are now. When I played this over and over again, or obsessed over the films and the books; I never expected to have this innocent bubble burst. It may sound silly – it probably is – but it was all a completely different time.
I think I will always worry about the impact the death of our daughter has on our marriage, we really were newlyweds; I have never been able to even enjoy looking back at our album or talking about the celebrations (she was conceived at our blessing, which was held three months after our official wedding day); a big black cloud forever lingers around the thoughts of our special days. We have discussed vow renewal maybe one day, but I guess it wouldn’t change a thing – new memories maybe. I am mostly glad we have each other.
Walking down memory lane, listening to the songs that take you right there wishing for that life again, the care free with a hopeful new life – it was easy to have that innocence; that bubble.
I just want us not to have been bereaved parents for most of our married life so far; it is what it is. I wish Melody would have survived, that Decode was part of a love story and not that of a soundtrack of our “before” life.
“I chose the title “Decode” because the song is about the building tension, awkwardness and confusion between Bella and Edward. Bella’s mind is the only one which Edward can’t read and I feel like that’s a big part of the first book and one of the obstacles for them to overcome. It’s one added tension that makes the story even better.”
— Hayley Wiliams, in a statement posted by Stephanie Meyer.