baby loss, grief

At Least…

Aside from “There’s no heartbeat”. ” She won’t survive”.
At least has to be just as ugly. Because there is nothing “least” in the world of baby loss.

“At least she wasn’t too old”
“At least she was only premature”
“At least she didn’t come home”
“At least you didn’t get to know her”
“At least you know you can do it”

“At least you have other children…”

This has to be one of the biggest things to have to hear from someone who has all their children stood next to them.
Or from someone who couldn’t possibly decide which child they could do without. Of course, I wouldn’t want or expect them to.
I feel so incredibly lucky to have the children I have at home with me. So damn lucky.

Today is the 10-day countdown until our daughter’s birthday. I’ve been doing reasonably well, keeping myself busy, doing new things, making different plans.
But today it has hit me. That once again instead of shopping for last minute present, planning a birthday or a tea party. I am trying to decide what flowers to buy for her grave, which oasis shall I choose?
Which cake shall we have? For a child that will never taste a piece. But we can’t have a birthday without cake.

Today having that heavy feeling, that heaviness which comes with the run-up to a date. Where I am so,so lucky to have my children with me..yet all I wanted to do was stay in bed.
I never did the stereotypical grieve in bed, or rock in the corner, crying all the day.
You know because that is what bereaved parents do…we’re crazy…..
Or so media would have you believe.
I wanted to shut down for a few hours today.

I cancelled one lot of plans I had. But luckily for me, they’re an understanding bunch.
But I couldn’t shut down. Couldn’t just lock myself away.
I have little people who need me to be okay.

So no shutting down, no staying in bed. No breakdowns.
I’ve bottled the tears so much in the past, I’m not even sure the function is there anymore!

So here I am writing it out, sticking this shit out once again.
Because quite frankly there is no at least…

The Sun will come out tomorrow.

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