#captureyourgrief Dear World

“What is on your heart that you want the world to know about your kind of grief? 
This is your day to choose your own topic. Some topic ideas are pregnancy or infertility after loss. Anxiety or PTSD. Forgiveness. Trust. What is it that you want to talk about?”

There is so much I’d like to say,please bear with me as I ramble.
I’ll try not to rant…
Melody died, she may have never came home,she may have only lived for 5 weeks. But her death changed me.
I still get surprised when people expected me not to change.
Even before she passed away,having a premature baby in hospital was a step towards that change.
Our lives revolved around our children, hospital visits, exprrssing breast milk took time,trying to keep a normal happy home for my two older children was also top priority.
Yet we were made to feel bad for having no time for anyone else aside from our little unit.

It didn’t get any better once she died, family members, telling us to get over her,days after she died, but before we’d even buried her.  Leaving our already battered souls to drown.
I’m not ready to share further,I don’t think I ever will be.
Forgiveness for this something I simply cannot find peace with.

Friends come and go, circle of life as it were,at times leaving me finding it hard to gain trust.
I open up, I share Melody because she’s my baby girl, but then after a while it gets boring.
I get bored, over and over again teaching the world about our daughter. But what choice do I have? I can’t forget her,I’ve tried stopping, hell I said I wouldn’t do this project this year,yet here I am,because if I don’t set aside this time for her,I’ll feel guilty,for not having this time for her.

I do apologize to new friends in that,I’m desperate to make new friends, but I also need you to know Melody,for me to trust that six months down the line you won’t walk away.
I am a good person,I make poor decisions, I am most likely off putting. But I’m human,I’m a bereaved mum.

I’ve come this far a better person,I think.
I’m different.
But I’m still me.

Parenting,life in general has changed. I have anxieties that are through the roof.
I struggle at times with the idea of a rainbow baby. It is beautiful thought, I assumed the rainbow would mean the end. But it’s not. Rainbows come after a storm. AFTER. But this “storm” will never go,actually until recently I thought I was alone in these thoughts, but surprisingly I’m not. I use the term rainbow simply because of ease,a way of saying we’ve had babies after loosing.
 I’m terrified I’ll have to bury another child,there is nothing bright and colourful about that.
Scared I’ll have to say goodbye to my husband.
My own mortality brings it’s own host of anxieties.
It’s not about needing help. I can’t erase the things that put these fears into my brain.
Our daughter died in our arms.
I’m extremely lucky to have a husband who has been incredibly understanding, little things like letting me know he gets to destinations safely. Doing all the driving, because some of it scares me.
I’m getting better at it,the way it effects me, I don’t reveal this side of me, because of the trust I lack. I can’t cope with more people leaving.
It’s exhausting.
But I have learned to laugh and smile again.
I am okay.
But please understand, I will still speak about her, just don’t walk away.
I’m trusting you.

I write these a few at a time. I’m struggling to focus on the project. Not in a negative way, as such. 
But I’m stubborn. 
So this is an add on. 
Childhood illness or injury are no longer “normal”. 
They’re full of what ifs. 
Fears for not only us as parents but her siblings. 
Nothing is normal any more. 
One of our girls fell,bumped her face,with instant swelling. 
There was calm,but fear,tears. 
The only one who kept a level head was my husband. 
My eldest cried,seeing her sister in pain. 
My boy asking if it’ll kill her. 
It breaks my heart that they know any of this shit. 
To have these questions. 
None of this we deserved.
To have my own fear of needing to go to ” that place “. 
I needed to add this in,for you to understand, that our family unit is so strong,we understand each other,even if it’s the worst possible times. 
Tomorrow is a new day. 
Next time gossip is spilled by people who never once asked. 
Please remember, we’ve come back worse than anything you can throw at us..

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