Monthly Archives: September 2016

Capture Your Grief A Recap..

I took part in the first CYG back in 2012. The project co-insides with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month-October.
To break the taboo,that is infant death.

My Capture Your Grief 2012

When I joined in, I assumed that the first one I completed would be my only one. I was six months post death of daughter. I assumed that one year would be enough.
Enough to heal, because time does that.. Enough “to be over it all”.
But then the following year offered more prompts.

My Capture Your Grief 2013

This was the year I discovered how cruel humans can be to one another. The project set for peace and healing,brought hate and pain. Trauma to hundreds of families taking part, who had their babies,their children, their memories and stories attacked.
An innocent public event was shut down. Even my own photos were attacked,photos of my live daughter.. It set me back months. Beaten because our daughter didn’t make it.
But thankfully the following year continued..

My Capture Your Grief 2014
I wasn’t going to let 2013 beat me, I wasn’t going to end on a low. I’m pleased I joined in. Another early miscarriage that year meant I was in a different place,different thought process.

My Capture Your Grief 2015

When October arrived in 2015, I wasn’t even sure I’d complete it.
Melody’s new sister brought anxieties, I’d either suppressed or didn’t know about. Overwhelming hormones, exhaustion consumed me. My heart for Melody, for the project wasn’t there.
I’d felt like I was back to six months post death rather than the three years six months I had reached.

I did not want or need to be there again. Come the end of the month I decided I wasn’t going to participate in the 2016 Capture Your Grief.
Well, this year ahead of October I am in the place I wanted to be last year. Opportunities have arrived, things are different.
I’ve learned to walk.
At four years old,I know my shoes, I’m not dark.
So with this year’s subjects,I’m hoping to bring out a positive.
A comparison from my very first in 2012 to this year’s.

To make aware that this is part of me,who I am.
If by joining the project helps others then I know the positive outlook I’m looking for this year,will have been reached.

I hope any baby loss parent reading can find the strength to join in. Carly Marie is a remarkable woman.

Thoughts to everyone this October.

Capture Your Grief 2016

Butterfly Award Voting Open

The Butterfly awards voting links are now open. A chance for people if they would like, to vote for me to win a Butterfly Award.
Nominated and shortlisted for the blogger/author category.
Winning an award such as this would mean the world to me.
But let me tell you,it isn’t about the trophy itself. Or even keeping Melody’s memory alive.
Both are important.
But I want to help, I want to change the world,to change how people think and react to baby loss.
For me being so open, isn’t just about a form of therapy, but to let others know, it is okay to talk about it.
The feelings they may have are normal.

Yesterday I was doing a little fundraiser, a coffee morning. Sadly so few turned up,but we did raise money.
The one thing that has stuck with me,is a set of people came in, they placed an order and sat. One person asked what we were fundraising for.
As per usual,I jumped at the chance to speak about Towards Tomorrow Together, mentioning Melody’s Voices, what the charity has to offer,who we support.
My awareness given.
Only body language from a person I was speaking to.
That uncomfortable twitch, I recognise so well, you know when someone is really comfortable with what they hear or see.
The awkward nod, the gritted teeth grin.
The silent expression, which means “please stop”.

She probably didn’t realise I could tell. She probably doesn’t realise that most baby loss parents have seen these expressions, the uncomfortable fidgets.
She probably thought her acting skills were better than she imagined.
Greeted with a ” that’s nice” and a change of subject,I didn’t want to push further. She may of course have a reason behind her awkwardness.  But to an unknowing eye, a disappointed ear, for a brief moment it makes me question.
Why Do I Bother?
The answer is simple.
These babies,these children, they matter.
Their families matter.
It is sad, nothing about losing a child is about pink rainbow unicorns. There’s no comparison.
Speaking out,making it less of a taboo helps.
Helps the parents,the siblings,the families.
Hearing “it’s too sad,let’s not talk about it”. Helps nobody, it just breaks people more.

Coming together, reading,listening raising awareness and funds, support the heartbroken friends or family members.
The fidgeting and awkward body language,screams volumes.

By writing,by talking I’d like to change these views, or at least make non-bereaved parents, or even older generations who find it hard to speak about such loss realise we’re not contagious.
Just because it is ” too sad” it can and should still be spoken about.

If you think I deserve a chance of winning. To break the silence. For my family. And for Melody,please take the time to head over and vote for me.

Julie Scott Butterfly Awards

The ONLY thing wrong about baby loss, child death isn’t the talking, it is the dying.

On This Day (Part One)

It began.

Five Years ago today a journey that started as something so natural, normal step from taking the marriage step.
A rainbow baby was on it’s way, a Mayflower’s seed begun to grow,to bloom.
Today of all the dates is insignificant. A moment in our history as a family, a date where it all began.

“It was the 12th,when I suddenly realised my period hadn’t arrived; I thought maybe it was due to the stress of everything around me, I really didn’t want to build my hopes up so soon after my recent losses…” 

The honeymoon rainbow baby,who turned into a form of storm, the colour changed, faded somewhat.
This day brought with it pain and darkness like no other. It was of hope, a journey of not only grief but love,beauty and above all..friendship.

When I discovered a positive pregnancy test,this time five years ago,I never imagined to be here.

Melody’s life didn’t bring sadness, she gave us a new light,a vision like no other. See everything so differently.
As we stood still,the world moved forward. Our story,the love that grew will last forever.

In 23 or so weeks she should be turning five, five weeks on from then will be five years without her.
Five years seems so significant. So huge.

12th September, may only be a small date.
But it was how I came to hold her.

The first sign post if ever needed on this path would be..

Step One.. Take One Day at a time,speeding ahead, sudden change of course can lead to stumbles, too many steps backwards.
Slow, baby steps. The only person living through YOUR grief is you. Every one is an individual. And no one should judge on how one “chooses” to grieve. Some choices are simply out of plan..

To be continued…

Say Their Name Bunting

As some people are aware, we’ve been advertising a little fundraiser of ours.
Say Their Name Bunting.
Here’s a little background.
We’ve put together a small team of crazy ladies to organise a public event.
A Barn Dance.
We’re super excited, we aim to raise as much funds for Towards Tomorrow Together who works with a group I run..Melody’s Voices.
As part of and in the run up to our event,which will be in February, we are offering pieces of bunting, for a minimum donation of £1, this will go towards our final total.

You see,there are many different fundraisers knocking about, Brave the Shave,coffee mornings, rainbow runs. Which are fantastic ways to raise money.
But not only do we want to raise money,we want to smash the silence,and raise awareness on just how many babies die. I know people don’t want to hear about it.
But it affects 1in 4. These are the ones we know about (some women miscarry at home,alone…in silence).

We’d like to create not only a way to remember the babies gone too soon,but a remembrance rather than balloons and candles. To show their names,their dates, that they do matter.
Tiny lives really DO matter.
To get people talking.

If you’d like to join in our awareness bunting.
Pictures will follow the event.
Find us on Facebook Melody’s Voices.
Or donate here. Just Giving